adBlockCheck

Protagonist Scrolls Intensely Through Microfilm

Top Headlines

Recent News

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Protagonist Scrolls Intensely Through Microfilm

NEW HAVEN, CT—A headstrong young protagonist in way over her head visited the microfilm room of the New Haven Public Library Tuesday night in order to delve deeper into a riveting plotline that could put her career—and maybe even her life—on the line.

Everything—the suicide note, the creek, the tight-lipped pharmacist—starts to come together for the protagonist.

According to sources, the plucky and determined woman worked late into the evening, whirring methodically through a reel of archived newspapers in search of information that could unlock a secret better left untouched.

The inquisitive main character then reportedly scrolled past the material she was looking for before carefully winding the microfilm in reverse and adjusting the focus on a single significant headline.

"'Mysterious Sickness Baffles Community,'" whispered the journalist, her lips barely moving as she scanned two seemingly unrelated front-page articles from a 1995 issue of the New Haven Gazette. "'WorldChem To Open New Plant Near Interstate.'"

Added the tireless investigator, "WorldChem…"

A number of key supporting characters confirmed Tuesday that the attractive, no-nonsense young writer would likely not rest until she had unearthed every last detail of what she assured them was "just a hunch." Library sources reported that the protagonist moved confidently through thousands of periodicals—as well as various city, county, and state records—before finding the exact items she desired.

"Bingo," said the journalist, positively identifying the mayor's ex-wife in a photo with a WorldChem executive. "And Lt. Gov. Michaels. What's going on here?"

Sources said a thud from somewhere in the dark room then frightened the likable and quietly determined heroine, who had been warned by her father—a retired newspaperman himself—that she was playing with fire and would do well to go back to covering broken water mains and city council meetings.

"Hello?" the frightened young woman said before returning to her work. "Hello?"

According to reports, several hours seemed to sweep by within a matter of seconds as the journalist viewed numerous headlines in rapid succession, each blurring into the next and implicating more and more powerful individuals in a tangled web that, just moments earlier, was completely unknown to any but those directly involved.

"Oh my God," said the protagonist, grasping that she had just pieced together a statewide conspiracy, the exact details of which were apparent only to her but which, reports suggested, might link high-ranking officials to some manner of corporate malfeasance and would almost certainly threaten to bring down the entire power structure. "This goes all the way to the top."

"What have I gotten myself into?" she added.

Sources said that as the fictional reporter realized she was likely embroiled in a dangerous game of greed and corruption with public figures capable of anything, she was interrupted by a sudden, startling tap on her shoulder, which ended up being nothing more than the night librarian.

"We're closing in five minutes, miss," the peripheral character said.

The journalist was later seen walking through the library's parking lot frantically talking on her cell phone to her editor, a gruff but ultimately adoring mentor who had agreed to let her continue her investigation only upon realizing she was too stubborn to take no for an answer anyway.

At press time, a blinding set of headlights from across the lot had suddenly burst into view.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close