adBlockCheck

Protagonist Scrolls Intensely Through Microfilm

Top Headlines

Recent News

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Protagonist Scrolls Intensely Through Microfilm

NEW HAVEN, CT—A headstrong young protagonist in way over her head visited the microfilm room of the New Haven Public Library Tuesday night in order to delve deeper into a riveting plotline that could put her career—and maybe even her life—on the line.

Everything—the suicide note, the creek, the tight-lipped pharmacist—starts to come together for the protagonist.

According to sources, the plucky and determined woman worked late into the evening, whirring methodically through a reel of archived newspapers in search of information that could unlock a secret better left untouched.

The inquisitive main character then reportedly scrolled past the material she was looking for before carefully winding the microfilm in reverse and adjusting the focus on a single significant headline.

"'Mysterious Sickness Baffles Community,'" whispered the journalist, her lips barely moving as she scanned two seemingly unrelated front-page articles from a 1995 issue of the New Haven Gazette. "'WorldChem To Open New Plant Near Interstate.'"

Added the tireless investigator, "WorldChem…"

A number of key supporting characters confirmed Tuesday that the attractive, no-nonsense young writer would likely not rest until she had unearthed every last detail of what she assured them was "just a hunch." Library sources reported that the protagonist moved confidently through thousands of periodicals—as well as various city, county, and state records—before finding the exact items she desired.

"Bingo," said the journalist, positively identifying the mayor's ex-wife in a photo with a WorldChem executive. "And Lt. Gov. Michaels. What's going on here?"

Sources said a thud from somewhere in the dark room then frightened the likable and quietly determined heroine, who had been warned by her father—a retired newspaperman himself—that she was playing with fire and would do well to go back to covering broken water mains and city council meetings.

"Hello?" the frightened young woman said before returning to her work. "Hello?"

According to reports, several hours seemed to sweep by within a matter of seconds as the journalist viewed numerous headlines in rapid succession, each blurring into the next and implicating more and more powerful individuals in a tangled web that, just moments earlier, was completely unknown to any but those directly involved.

"Oh my God," said the protagonist, grasping that she had just pieced together a statewide conspiracy, the exact details of which were apparent only to her but which, reports suggested, might link high-ranking officials to some manner of corporate malfeasance and would almost certainly threaten to bring down the entire power structure. "This goes all the way to the top."

"What have I gotten myself into?" she added.

Sources said that as the fictional reporter realized she was likely embroiled in a dangerous game of greed and corruption with public figures capable of anything, she was interrupted by a sudden, startling tap on her shoulder, which ended up being nothing more than the night librarian.

"We're closing in five minutes, miss," the peripheral character said.

The journalist was later seen walking through the library's parking lot frantically talking on her cell phone to her editor, a gruff but ultimately adoring mentor who had agreed to let her continue her investigation only upon realizing she was too stubborn to take no for an answer anyway.

At press time, a blinding set of headlights from across the lot had suddenly burst into view.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close