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Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.
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Protagonist Scrolls Intensely Through Microfilm

NEW HAVEN, CT—A headstrong young protagonist in way over her head visited the microfilm room of the New Haven Public Library Tuesday night in order to delve deeper into a riveting plotline that could put her career—and maybe even her life—on the line.

Everything—the suicide note, the creek, the tight-lipped pharmacist—starts to come together for the protagonist.

According to sources, the plucky and determined woman worked late into the evening, whirring methodically through a reel of archived newspapers in search of information that could unlock a secret better left untouched.

The inquisitive main character then reportedly scrolled past the material she was looking for before carefully winding the microfilm in reverse and adjusting the focus on a single significant headline.

"'Mysterious Sickness Baffles Community,'" whispered the journalist, her lips barely moving as she scanned two seemingly unrelated front-page articles from a 1995 issue of the New Haven Gazette. "'WorldChem To Open New Plant Near Interstate.'"

Added the tireless investigator, "WorldChem…"

A number of key supporting characters confirmed Tuesday that the attractive, no-nonsense young writer would likely not rest until she had unearthed every last detail of what she assured them was "just a hunch." Library sources reported that the protagonist moved confidently through thousands of periodicals—as well as various city, county, and state records—before finding the exact items she desired.

"Bingo," said the journalist, positively identifying the mayor's ex-wife in a photo with a WorldChem executive. "And Lt. Gov. Michaels. What's going on here?"

Sources said a thud from somewhere in the dark room then frightened the likable and quietly determined heroine, who had been warned by her father—a retired newspaperman himself—that she was playing with fire and would do well to go back to covering broken water mains and city council meetings.

"Hello?" the frightened young woman said before returning to her work. "Hello?"

According to reports, several hours seemed to sweep by within a matter of seconds as the journalist viewed numerous headlines in rapid succession, each blurring into the next and implicating more and more powerful individuals in a tangled web that, just moments earlier, was completely unknown to any but those directly involved.

"Oh my God," said the protagonist, grasping that she had just pieced together a statewide conspiracy, the exact details of which were apparent only to her but which, reports suggested, might link high-ranking officials to some manner of corporate malfeasance and would almost certainly threaten to bring down the entire power structure. "This goes all the way to the top."

"What have I gotten myself into?" she added.

Sources said that as the fictional reporter realized she was likely embroiled in a dangerous game of greed and corruption with public figures capable of anything, she was interrupted by a sudden, startling tap on her shoulder, which ended up being nothing more than the night librarian.

"We're closing in five minutes, miss," the peripheral character said.

The journalist was later seen walking through the library's parking lot frantically talking on her cell phone to her editor, a gruff but ultimately adoring mentor who had agreed to let her continue her investigation only upon realizing she was too stubborn to take no for an answer anyway.

At press time, a blinding set of headlights from across the lot had suddenly burst into view.

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