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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.
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Protect Yourself With An Emergency Porn Kit

As a historic blizzard continues to hammer the Midwest, many are finding themselves stranded and without an internet connection, unable to access even the most basic pornography. Protect yourself. Keep Emergency Porn Kits in your home your home, car, and office. While an Emergency Porn Kit won’t provide you with the endless variants of hardcore sex you’re used to, it will be enough to save you from going through a disaster entirely pornless.

Constructing Your Own Emergency Porn Kit

Step One: Find a sturdy box large enough to hold several print magazines in addition to anal plugs and vibrators. Note: Vibrators should be battery operated. Check battery life every six months.

Step Two: Purchase pornography magazines. There are numerous publications which cater to the strange racially-charged pornography you are constantly watching online. TIP: For those used to masturbating solely to pornographic videos, waving still images of fucking back and forth can give the illusion of movement.

Step Three: Pack lubrication. Otherwise you’ll end up needing to tab into your emergency food supplies for anti-chafing solutions.

Step Four: Make a list of all the people you slept with in your early twenties. One of the most useful tools in surviving a long-term porn outage is harnessing the power of memory.

Once your Emergency Porn Kit is finished make yourself some hot cocoa, lie back, and bring on the snow!

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