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Protect Yourself With An Emergency Porn Kit

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Report: Someone Needs To Get Chips And Dip Away From Area Man

EDISON, NJ—Repeatedly emphasizing that the ruffled potato chips and accompanying French onion dip were just too good, a report released Thursday confirmed that someone needs to get them away from local partygoer Ian Ashcraft before he eats the whole thing.

Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President

WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.

High School Nurse Getting Pretty Good At Spotting Morning Sickness

FAIRFIELD, ME―Having seen more students than she can remember come into her office with complaints of nausea and vomiting over the years, Fairfield High School nurse Sarah Bromti told reporters Wednesday she’s getting to the point where she can identify morning sickness without much trouble.
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Protect Yourself With An Emergency Porn Kit

As a historic blizzard continues to hammer the Midwest, many are finding themselves stranded and without an internet connection, unable to access even the most basic pornography. Protect yourself. Keep Emergency Porn Kits in your home your home, car, and office. While an Emergency Porn Kit won’t provide you with the endless variants of hardcore sex you’re used to, it will be enough to save you from going through a disaster entirely pornless.

Constructing Your Own Emergency Porn Kit

Step One: Find a sturdy box large enough to hold several print magazines in addition to anal plugs and vibrators. Note: Vibrators should be battery operated. Check battery life every six months.

Step Two: Purchase pornography magazines. There are numerous publications which cater to the strange racially-charged pornography you are constantly watching online. TIP: For those used to masturbating solely to pornographic videos, waving still images of fucking back and forth can give the illusion of movement.

Step Three: Pack lubrication. Otherwise you’ll end up needing to tab into your emergency food supplies for anti-chafing solutions.

Step Four: Make a list of all the people you slept with in your early twenties. One of the most useful tools in surviving a long-term porn outage is harnessing the power of memory.

Once your Emergency Porn Kit is finished make yourself some hot cocoa, lie back, and bring on the snow!

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