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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

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Protect Yourself With An Emergency Porn Kit

As a historic blizzard continues to hammer the Midwest, many are finding themselves stranded and without an internet connection, unable to access even the most basic pornography. Protect yourself. Keep Emergency Porn Kits in your home your home, car, and office. While an Emergency Porn Kit won’t provide you with the endless variants of hardcore sex you’re used to, it will be enough to save you from going through a disaster entirely pornless.

Constructing Your Own Emergency Porn Kit

Step One: Find a sturdy box large enough to hold several print magazines in addition to anal plugs and vibrators. Note: Vibrators should be battery operated. Check battery life every six months.

Step Two: Purchase pornography magazines. There are numerous publications which cater to the strange racially-charged pornography you are constantly watching online. TIP: For those used to masturbating solely to pornographic videos, waving still images of fucking back and forth can give the illusion of movement.

Step Three: Pack lubrication. Otherwise you’ll end up needing to tab into your emergency food supplies for anti-chafing solutions.

Step Four: Make a list of all the people you slept with in your early twenties. One of the most useful tools in surviving a long-term porn outage is harnessing the power of memory.

Once your Emergency Porn Kit is finished make yourself some hot cocoa, lie back, and bring on the snow!

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