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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Protect Yourself With An Emergency Porn Kit

As a historic blizzard continues to hammer the Midwest, many are finding themselves stranded and without an internet connection, unable to access even the most basic pornography. Protect yourself. Keep Emergency Porn Kits in your home your home, car, and office. While an Emergency Porn Kit won’t provide you with the endless variants of hardcore sex you’re used to, it will be enough to save you from going through a disaster entirely pornless.

Constructing Your Own Emergency Porn Kit

Step One: Find a sturdy box large enough to hold several print magazines in addition to anal plugs and vibrators. Note: Vibrators should be battery operated. Check battery life every six months.

Step Two: Purchase pornography magazines. There are numerous publications which cater to the strange racially-charged pornography you are constantly watching online. TIP: For those used to masturbating solely to pornographic videos, waving still images of fucking back and forth can give the illusion of movement.

Step Three: Pack lubrication. Otherwise you’ll end up needing to tab into your emergency food supplies for anti-chafing solutions.

Step Four: Make a list of all the people you slept with in your early twenties. One of the most useful tools in surviving a long-term porn outage is harnessing the power of memory.

Once your Emergency Porn Kit is finished make yourself some hot cocoa, lie back, and bring on the snow!

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