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What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.

Contents Of The Voyager Golden Record

Forty years ago this week, NASA launched Voyager 2, which carries a gold-plated record featuring pictures and sounds from Earth as well as scientific information, all of which was carefully compiled in anticipation of a possible extraterrestrial encounter. Here are the contents of the record:
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Protecting Your Kids From Inappropriate On-Line Material

The Internet is an invaluable educational tool, but for parents, it can also be a nightmare. Here are some tips for keeping your kids away from sexually explicit websites and other questionable on-line content.

  • Drape your computer in terrifying slaughterhouse entrails to make it unappealing to youngsters.
  • Go to the favorites file in your web browser. Retitle "Goat Porn" folder "Financial."
  • Young boys are understandably curious about Internet porn—but not if you patiently explain to them that women's vaginas have razor-sharp teeth that can bite off a child's hand.
  • Tape pages of The Bible securely over your child's eyes, ears and mouth, then double their daily butterchurn chore-hours.
  • Periodically check your family computer's log-on history for any pornographic sites not visited by yourself.
  • Make sure your child does not use the Internet after 9 p.m.
  • Do not allow your kids to become desensitized to violence. Beat them harder each day.
  • Glue storybook pictures to your computer's monitor. Tell your child this is the Internet.
  • Ask yourself why, if you can't exercise even a moderate degree of control over your children, you bothered to have kids in the first place.
  • Write letter asking website "Cock-Craving Asian Nympho-Teen Cum Sluts" to tone it down a bit.
  • Replace your children with responsible adults.
  • Provide your child with a detailed list of every website he or she is not to visit.
  • Force your child to look at pornography for many hours straight until child begs, "No more!"

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