Protecting Your Kids From Inappropriate On-Line Material

Top Headlines

Recent News

Most Likely Candidates For Trump’s Cabinet

If elected president, Donald Trump will have the opportunity to nominate up to 15 cabinet members, each advising him on executive departments. Here are the most rumored choices for Trump’s inner circle.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Protecting Your Kids From Inappropriate On-Line Material

The Internet is an invaluable educational tool, but for parents, it can also be a nightmare. Here are some tips for keeping your kids away from sexually explicit websites and other questionable on-line content.

  • Drape your computer in terrifying slaughterhouse entrails to make it unappealing to youngsters.
  • Go to the favorites file in your web browser. Retitle "Goat Porn" folder "Financial."
  • Young boys are understandably curious about Internet porn—but not if you patiently explain to them that women's vaginas have razor-sharp teeth that can bite off a child's hand.
  • Tape pages of The Bible securely over your child's eyes, ears and mouth, then double their daily butterchurn chore-hours.
  • Periodically check your family computer's log-on history for any pornographic sites not visited by yourself.
  • Make sure your child does not use the Internet after 9 p.m.
  • Do not allow your kids to become desensitized to violence. Beat them harder each day.
  • Glue storybook pictures to your computer's monitor. Tell your child this is the Internet.
  • Ask yourself why, if you can't exercise even a moderate degree of control over your children, you bothered to have kids in the first place.
  • Write letter asking website "Cock-Craving Asian Nympho-Teen Cum Sluts" to tone it down a bit.
  • Replace your children with responsible adults.
  • Provide your child with a detailed list of every website he or she is not to visit.
  • Force your child to look at pornography for many hours straight until child begs, "No more!"


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close