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Protecting Your Kids From Inappropriate On-Line Material

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Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:
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Protecting Your Kids From Inappropriate On-Line Material

The Internet is an invaluable educational tool, but for parents, it can also be a nightmare. Here are some tips for keeping your kids away from sexually explicit websites and other questionable on-line content.

  • Drape your computer in terrifying slaughterhouse entrails to make it unappealing to youngsters.
  • Go to the favorites file in your web browser. Retitle "Goat Porn" folder "Financial."
  • Young boys are understandably curious about Internet porn—but not if you patiently explain to them that women's vaginas have razor-sharp teeth that can bite off a child's hand.
  • Tape pages of The Bible securely over your child's eyes, ears and mouth, then double their daily butterchurn chore-hours.
  • Periodically check your family computer's log-on history for any pornographic sites not visited by yourself.
  • Make sure your child does not use the Internet after 9 p.m.
  • Do not allow your kids to become desensitized to violence. Beat them harder each day.
  • Glue storybook pictures to your computer's monitor. Tell your child this is the Internet.
  • Ask yourself why, if you can't exercise even a moderate degree of control over your children, you bothered to have kids in the first place.
  • Write letter asking website "Cock-Craving Asian Nympho-Teen Cum Sluts" to tone it down a bit.
  • Replace your children with responsible adults.
  • Provide your child with a detailed list of every website he or she is not to visit.
  • Force your child to look at pornography for many hours straight until child begs, "No more!"

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