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Protecting Your Kids From Inappropriate On-Line Material

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The Pros And Cons Of Taking A Gap Year

Malia Obama will wait a year between graduating high school and attending Harvard in 2017, in what is becoming a rising trend among American students. Here are the pros and cons of taking a gap year:

God Loses Pouch Filled With Crystals That Give Him Powers

THE HEAVENS—Grumbling to Himself as He frantically retraced His steps across the Heavens, God Almighty, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness, admitted to reporters Monday that He had somehow managed to lose the pouch containing the enchanted crystals that give Him His powers.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.
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Protecting Your Kids From Inappropriate On-Line Material

The Internet is an invaluable educational tool, but for parents, it can also be a nightmare. Here are some tips for keeping your kids away from sexually explicit websites and other questionable on-line content.

  • Drape your computer in terrifying slaughterhouse entrails to make it unappealing to youngsters.
  • Go to the favorites file in your web browser. Retitle "Goat Porn" folder "Financial."
  • Young boys are understandably curious about Internet porn—but not if you patiently explain to them that women's vaginas have razor-sharp teeth that can bite off a child's hand.
  • Tape pages of The Bible securely over your child's eyes, ears and mouth, then double their daily butterchurn chore-hours.
  • Periodically check your family computer's log-on history for any pornographic sites not visited by yourself.
  • Make sure your child does not use the Internet after 9 p.m.
  • Do not allow your kids to become desensitized to violence. Beat them harder each day.
  • Glue storybook pictures to your computer's monitor. Tell your child this is the Internet.
  • Ask yourself why, if you can't exercise even a moderate degree of control over your children, you bothered to have kids in the first place.
  • Write letter asking website "Cock-Craving Asian Nympho-Teen Cum Sluts" to tone it down a bit.
  • Replace your children with responsible adults.
  • Provide your child with a detailed list of every website he or she is not to visit.
  • Force your child to look at pornography for many hours straight until child begs, "No more!"

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