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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

Police Find Super-Sharp Buck Knife

'It's The Kind With A Blade That Locks In Place,' Says Law Enforcement Spokesperson

Warning residents that the blade was “super deadly” and “badass,” city police officials held a press conference Wednesday to announce that they had found a really cool wooden-handled Buck-brand pocketknife on the street.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Prototypical Stock-Car Racer Kurt Busch Fired For Being Prototypical Stock-Car Racer

MOORESVILLE, NC—Veteran NASCAR racer Kurt Busch, long a fan favorite for old-school stock-car-driver antics such as reckless racing, fistfights with competitors, and hard drinking, was released by Penske Racing on Monday for antics such as unsafe on-track behavior, physical assaults, and arrests for drunk driving. "We are sorry to have to part company with Kurt, one of the sport's real symbols, but we feel his frankly classic actions do not represent Penske Racing and are inconsistent with the company's standards for personal conduct," a press release from Penske read in part, referring to Busch's "in-character and inexcusable" behavior at the Homestead season finale, during which he directed an obscene gesture at Michelle Obama's motorcade and later defended himself to interviewers in a profanity-laced tirade. "But that part where he flipped the first lady the bird? That was damn good stuff, tell you what." NASCAR has fined Busch $50,000 and nominated him for Driver of the Year for his actions.

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