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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
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Prototypical Stock-Car Racer Kurt Busch Fired For Being Prototypical Stock-Car Racer

MOORESVILLE, NC—Veteran NASCAR racer Kurt Busch, long a fan favorite for old-school stock-car-driver antics such as reckless racing, fistfights with competitors, and hard drinking, was released by Penske Racing on Monday for antics such as unsafe on-track behavior, physical assaults, and arrests for drunk driving. "We are sorry to have to part company with Kurt, one of the sport's real symbols, but we feel his frankly classic actions do not represent Penske Racing and are inconsistent with the company's standards for personal conduct," a press release from Penske read in part, referring to Busch's "in-character and inexcusable" behavior at the Homestead season finale, during which he directed an obscene gesture at Michelle Obama's motorcade and later defended himself to interviewers in a profanity-laced tirade. "But that part where he flipped the first lady the bird? That was damn good stuff, tell you what." NASCAR has fined Busch $50,000 and nominated him for Driver of the Year for his actions.

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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