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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Prototypical Stock-Car Racer Kurt Busch Fired For Being Prototypical Stock-Car Racer

MOORESVILLE, NC—Veteran NASCAR racer Kurt Busch, long a fan favorite for old-school stock-car-driver antics such as reckless racing, fistfights with competitors, and hard drinking, was released by Penske Racing on Monday for antics such as unsafe on-track behavior, physical assaults, and arrests for drunk driving. "We are sorry to have to part company with Kurt, one of the sport's real symbols, but we feel his frankly classic actions do not represent Penske Racing and are inconsistent with the company's standards for personal conduct," a press release from Penske read in part, referring to Busch's "in-character and inexcusable" behavior at the Homestead season finale, during which he directed an obscene gesture at Michelle Obama's motorcade and later defended himself to interviewers in a profanity-laced tirade. "But that part where he flipped the first lady the bird? That was damn good stuff, tell you what." NASCAR has fined Busch $50,000 and nominated him for Driver of the Year for his actions.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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