Proud Boston Market CEO Announces Food Hasn't Been This Gross In Years

Top Headlines


How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

How Internet Clickbait Works

Facebook and other sites have recently begun to fight back against “clickbait,” often misleading internet posts designed to be seen by as many readers as possible. The Onion breaks down the production and spread of this content

Home Depot Employee Can Tell This Customer’s First Attempt At Pipe Bomb

APPLETON, WI—Shaking his head Monday as the customer selected a length of plastic pipe over a stronger metal alternative and placed it into his shopping cart, local Home Depot sales associate Graham Warner, 57, was reportedly able to tell right away that this was the store patron’s first attempt at making a pipe bomb.

Disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings Not Living Up To Ridicule

LOS ANGELES—Describing the experience as a significant letdown, local diner Eric Tidwell told reporters that the disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings franchise he visited Thursday night failed to live up to the scorn he had long heard about the restaurant.

KFC Introduces New Previously Owned 20-Piece Hot Wings

LOUISVILLE, KY—In an effort to meet the changing demands of its consumers, fast-food chain Kentucky Fried Chicken announced Wednesday that it has begun offering customers the option of purchasing, at a significant discount, a 20-piece box of pre-owned hot wings.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

New Mountain Dew Vows To Kill 99.9% Of Stomach Bacteria

PURCHASE, NY—Touting the beverage’s refreshing citrus taste, tongue-tingling carbonation, and prescription-strength antimicrobial properties, PepsiCo officials announced Wednesday that their newest product, Mountain Dew Code White, kills 99.9 percent of consumers’ stomach bacteria.

Heart Attack A Real Wake-Up Call For Man’s Insurance Provider

HARTFORD, CT—Saying the incident had forced them to completely rethink their past decisions about the man’s coverage and how they would approach his policy from here on out, Aetna executives reported Thursday that the recent heart attack of longtime plan member Michael Burns was a real wake-up call for the 163-year-old insurance company.

Big-Box Stores Vs. Small Businesses

While massive superstores like Walmart and Target have dominated the retail landscape for years, many shoppers are rejecting them in favor of smaller, locally owned shops. Here is a side-by-side comparison of the two options:
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Proud Boston Market CEO Announces Food Hasn't Been This Gross In Years

Boston Market CEO George Michel says the restaurant’s mantra is “How do we make it more nauseating?”
Boston Market CEO George Michel says the restaurant’s mantra is “How do we make it more nauseating?”

GOLDEN, CO—Visibly beaming with pride, Boston Market CEO George Michel told reporters Thursday that the food at his restaurant chain “has rarely, if ever, been more disgusting.”

“From macaroni covered in congealed, room-temperature cheese to rotisserie chicken so fatty and greasy that it makes you gag just by looking at it, our food right now is extremely, extremely gross. And nauseating!” said a broadly smiling Michel, adding that he couldn’t be more pleased with how revolting the current menu is. “We didn’t think we could get there, but I can honestly say that Boston Market’s already bland, unwholesome pseudo-cuisine that has made customers feel sick for years is, if anything, more stomach-churning than ever.”

“Just look at this watery, greenish-grayish limp spinach,” Michael said, picking up a forkful of the slimy food product, putting it in his mouth, wincing immediately, and becoming noticeably ill. “Repulsive! Now, if you’ll excuse me for a second.”

A Boston Market employee scoops some nasty goop into a bowl.

According to Michel, it took determination and patience to arrive at a point where the food at the restaurant was “as close to inedible as it gets.” Employing Boston Market’s “three Gs” philosophy—Gross Food, Gross Ingredients, Gross Everything—Michel said the franchise was able to provide its customers with cornbread so hard it can be used as a doorstop, gravy that has a thick film of fat in every scoop, and cranberry walnut relish that tastes as vomit-inducing as it sounds.

Michel proudly confirmed that whether it’s a small suburban franchise in Daly City, CA or a large urban location in New York City, he could now walk into any Boston Market, take one whiff of the meatloaf, and immediately begin dry heaving.

As an added bonus, Michel noted, the coffee also tastes like complete and utter dog shit.

“Now, don’t get me wrong, our food has always been gross, but we asked ourselves, ‘Could we lower the bar even further?’” he said. “Five years ago, people could cut into a piece of our famous chicken and maybe guess whether it was white or dark meat. Now, it just looks like one clump of some sort of compacted food product. In the past, the mashed potatoes tasted like instant, but could we get them to taste like the kind served to prisoners in the federal penitentiary system? The answer is yes. And could the fluid our sweet corn sits in for hours on end become greyer and murkier? I’m happy to say it could.”

“The zucchini and squash still taste slightly different from one another, but don’t worry, we are working on that,” Michel added. “And on the plus side, I can’t even think of our chicken pot pie without also imagining human shit being drenched in gravy.”

Though he is happier than ever with how utterly sickening every food item has become, Michel emphasized there is no reason to get complacent, and repeatedly stressed that the food at Boston Market could always be grosser. That’s why Boston Market recently added bone-in St. Louis–style ribs to the menu. The ribs offer the franchise, sources say, a chance to make the overall food quality “off-the charts repellent,” and according to Michel, that was an opportunity he couldn’t pass up.

“First you have the barbeque sauce, which we could make revolting in our signature Boston Market fashion by letting it become hardened piles of goo,” Michel said. “And then there is the meat itself. We always said if we’re going to serve ribs, they’d better turn our customers’ faces either green or pale white. That’s why every bite is a mixture of fat, gristle, and God knows what.”

According to Michel, he likes to carve out time in his schedule every day to think of different menu items and then contemplate how foul Boston Market could possibly make them.

“Imagine if we served lamb chops,” Michel said. “Maybe add some of our sweet Thai chili sauce to them? Hell, we’d have lines to our bathrooms stretching around the block.”


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close