adBlockCheck

Recent News

Most Anticipated Panels At Comic-Con

San Diego Comic-Con kicks off tomorrow, and this year’s schedule is packed with must-see events. Here are the most highly-anticipated panels of Comic-Con 2017.

Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.
End Of Section
  • More News

Proud Species Commits Suicide Rather Than Be Driven To Extinction By Humans

COOS BAY, OR—Amidst rapidly deteriorating environmental conditions that have left the species in imminent danger of extinction, the world’s leatherback sea turtles announced plans Tuesday to commit mass suicide rather than allow human beings to wipe them out. “For years we’ve just been sitting around waiting for these assholes to finish us off, but I say if we’re gonna go out, we do it on our own terms,” said a 25-year-old female leatherback, who along with others of her species confirmed she would rather throw herself into the rudder of a fishing boat than “give those cocksuckers the satisfaction of finishing the job.” “Any of us who managed to survive this massacre would at best end up displayed in an aquarium or penned up in some bullshit ocean preserve, and what kind of life is that? No thanks. We’re leaving this world with our dignity intact.” Several leatherback turtles added that while suicide was indeed their most respectable option, they would regret not being around later this century to see the human race itself driven to extinction.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close