Psychiatrist Patiently Listens To Obama Complain About Every Single American

Top Headlines


Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Intergalactic Law Enforcement Officers Place Energy Shackles On Hillary Clinton

PARADISE, NV—Materializing through a dimensional portal in front of a stunned audience at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, intergalactic law enforcement officers reportedly appeared onstage during Wednesday night’s presidential debate and placed a pair of glowing blue energy shackles on Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton.

Trump Complains Entire Personality Rigged Against Him

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Responding to his flagging poll numbers and a string of newspaper editorials and cable news pundits questioning his fitness to lead, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly complained to a rally crowd Thursday that for the entirety of this race, his personality has been rigged against him.

Fact-Checking The Second Presidential Debate

Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump discussed topics including national security, taxes, and their ongoing personal scandals in a contentious town hall presidential debate Sunday. The Onion evaluates the truthfulness of their claims

Trump Vomits Immediately After Seeing Everyday Americans Up Close

ST. LOUIS—His face turning deathly pale and beads of cold sweat forming on his brow as he took his seat for the town hall forum at Washington University, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly vomited directly onto the debate stage Sunday night upon viewing everyday Americans up close.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Psychiatrist Patiently Listens To Obama Complain About Every Single American

President Obama vents to his psychiatrist about his deep-seated issues with the nation’s citizenry.
President Obama vents to his psychiatrist about his deep-seated issues with the nation’s citizenry.

WASHINGTON—Carefully jotting down notes as the two sat in his small second-floor office on K Street, psychiatrist Dr. Thomas Eccleson patiently let President Barack Obama angrily voice his complaints and grievances about every single American in the nation, sources confirmed Tuesday.

While conceding that the president has “made some decent progress” over the course of several months of therapy, Eccleson told reporters that Obama still has many deep-seated issues with each of the 313 million members of the U.S. populace.

“This week we continued exploring Barack’s resentment about being constantly judged by others,” said Eccleson, noting the president’s reliance on unhealthy defense mechanisms to distance himself emotionally from the American public. “Again and again I hear things like, ‘No matter how hard I try, nothing is ever good enough for Seattle resident Bryan Harrison.’ But I keep stressing that, at the end of the day, Barack is a human being and can’t expect himself to be perfect.”

“A lot of his feelings of inadequacy—thinking that no matter how successful he is, he can’t live up to people’s expectations—stem from his relationship with his father,” Eccleson continued. “That’s also at the core of his trust issues with not only Bryan, but also Gail Shaughnessy, Eric Corker, Amy Bergin, and more or less the entire population of Worcester, MA.”

Eccleson, who has been seeing the president weekly since April, said Obama spends much of his 45-minute sessions fretting over the lack of communication between himself and the nation’s citizenry. Obama was reportedly overheard claiming that Nebraskans such as Dorothy Perez, Clay Jones, Keith Uriahson, and Heather Conelly “don’t know what the hell they want,” and accused residents of Iowa, Ohio, and Michigan of “not even listening when [he’s] talking half the time.”

“Barack exhibits many of the classic symptoms of generalized anxiety disorder. For example, our talks often return to the aforementioned Bryan Harrison or the 47,000 residents of Santa Cruz County, AZ, who Barack says ‘always focus on my mistakes, but never give me credit for all the things I do well,’” said Eccleson. “So today I asked him how he defines success and failure, and after a few moments he admitted he’d never really thought about it before.”

“That was a big breakthrough,” Eccleson added.

Obama was also reportedly adamant that millions of Americans constantly put him down in public “without even considering how that makes [him] feel,” and at one point during the session, sources confirmed that Obama sighed, shook his head, and quietly muttered, “I just hate them sometimes.”

“What I try to impress upon Barack is that it’s perfectly normal to get angry at other people,” Eccleson said. “That it’s completely fine, say, to disagree with the Peraldi family of Glynn, GA about health care reform. What’s not okay, though, is keeping those feelings pent up inside until they boil over.”

“We’re working on ways for Barack to express these emotions in a healthy, mature way,” Eccleson continued. “But it’s difficult, because he’s been harboring a lot of negativity toward southeast Georgians for a very, very long time.”

Eccleson confirmed he has been pleased with Obama’s improvement under a daily 100-milligram dosage of the antidepressant Zoloft, having recently taken the president off a combination therapy of Klonopin and Effexor due to the medications’ negative side effects.

According to White House sources, prior to seeking out professional counseling, Obama had been suffering from semi-regular panic attacks, bouts of depression, and was prone to lashing out at friends and coworkers, especially when remembering the time Bryan Harrison criticized his stance on immigration as being “too soft.”

“It was challenging at first because Barack can become incredibly defensive when he’s wrong,” said Eccleson, citing instances where the president had furiously accused the entire middle class of holding him to unfair standards. “He tends to compartmentalize and then project his fears onto others. I just had to cut him off halfway through one of his rants earlier and ask, ‘Is the city of Cleveland to blame for stagnant unemployment and a dying manufacturing sector, or are you just blaming yourself?’”

“He has trouble taking responsibility at times,” Eccleson added. “Also, I don’t think Barack has ever fully come to terms with his biracial background.”

Though confident that the president will eventually overcome his issues with the American people, Eccleson admitted to reporters that Obama is “still a long way away” from resolving the litany of complex problems in his marriage.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close