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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Psychic-Phone-Line Customer Used To Be Closed-Minded Just Like Her Friends

DETROIT—Detroit-area receptionist Nadine Jackson announced Monday that, after years of being closed-minded like her friends, she has finally come to realize that the Caring Psychic Family Network is an amazing psychic service that really works. "Now listen here, honey," said Jackson, swaying her head from side-to-side in a sassy, authoritative manner, "I used to be skeptical about 1-900 hotlines just like my friends. But let me tell you, the Caring Psychic Family Network is different. Their expert psychics' predictions really work!" Jackson said she will pray each night for the souls of her misguided, non-believing friends.

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