adBlockCheck

Puberty Absolutely Teeing Off On Area Teen

Top Headlines

Local

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

Mom Has Stacked Dinner Party Roster

GOLDEN, CO—Their eyes widening in amazement as the 43-year-old rattled off the names of heavy hitter after heavy hitter, impressed members of the Dreeshen household confirmed Friday that the roster for their mom’s upcoming dinner party was absolutely stacked.

Bold Intern Giving Parents Tour Of Office

CHICAGO—Brazenly strolling through the rows of desks while pointing out the firm’s various departments to his two guests, Lodestone Media intern Nate Kapper, 19, made the incredibly bold move of giving his parents a tour of the company’s offices Wednesday, sources reported.

Beautiful Spring Day No Match For Last 35 Years Of Man’s Life

LITTLE ROCK, AR—Nullified almost immediately by the collective force of decades’ worth of resentment and disappointment, a bright and beautiful spring day was said to be no match for the past 35 years of local man Thomas Unger’s life, sources confirmed Tuesday.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Healthy Living

Television

Puberty Absolutely Teeing Off On Area Teen

Sources say uncomfortable growing pains and nocturnal emissions have been giving the helpless kid the old one-two for months now.
Sources say uncomfortable growing pains and nocturnal emissions have been giving the helpless kid the old one-two for months now.

MISSOULA, MT—Explaining that he has been knocked around pretty hard lately by all kinds of confusing new emotions and awkward changes to his body, local sources confirmed Tuesday that puberty is absolutely teeing off on area teenager Spencer Huncosky.

According to individuals close to the 13-year-old, the period of physical and sexual maturation is “having a field day with the poor guy,” coming at him from all sides with oily, blemish-ridden skin, repugnant body odor, and a voice that cracks every time he tries to speak.

“It really just came out of nowhere and laid right into him,” said Julie Murphy, who teaches Huncosky’s social studies class and has noted her student’s severely protruding Adam’s apple and ill-fitting clothes as he rapidly grows in height. “Between the uncontrollable sweating and the greasy hair sticking to his scalp, he’s in pretty rough shape. It’s like adolescence just opened up and blasted him right in the face with both barrels.”

“Puberty is completely owning this kid,” Murphy added.

Sources further reported that the local teen’s rising levels of androgens and testosterone have given it to him pretty hard, pounding him nonstop with everything from bewildering mood swings to uneven patches of body hair to severe, nodular acne. In addition, the increased activity of his pituitary gland has apparently put him through the wringer with an ungainly growth spurt, knocking the kid on his ass as he struggles to adjust to his oversized and gangly limbs.

Considering the frequency with which he is stricken by unexplained and embarrassing erections, sources stated that Huncosky’s hormone levels are pretty much just holding him down and whaling on him at this point.

“Boy, these bodily changes are definitely kicking him while he’s down,” said Huncosky’s classmate Evan Meyers, adding that right when he thought his fellow eighth-grader had taken all he could, puberty absolutely unloaded on him again as a dozen or so dark, wispy hairs began to grow in on his upper lip. “It came after him, and it was just like bam, bam, bam, you know? I thought I had it bad, but adolescence is just fucking destroying this guy. He’s breaking out so bad on his back that he won’t even take his T-shirt off when he goes swimming.”

“The worst part is, he has to take another three or four years of this stuff,” Meyers continued. “These are just the early stages, and puberty is totally crushing it.”

According to reports, the merciless period of development was still in the ring holding Huncosky in a headlock when it suddenly tagged in the heart-wrenching news of his parents’ divorce, which immediately began kneeing the teenager right in the groin.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close