adBlockCheck

Puberty Absolutely Teeing Off On Area Teen

Top Headlines

Local

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Grandmother Doesn’t Care For New Priest

SPENCERPORT, NY—Voicing criticism of the man’s general demeanor and the hurried pace of his masses, local grandmother and St. Rafael Catholic Church parishioner Patricia Trudel, 72, told reporters Friday she doesn’t care much for the congregation’s new priest.

Mom Brings Home Little Plaque That Says ‘Family’

GAITHERSBURG, MD—Describing how she hung the newly purchased decoration on the living room wall immediately upon returning, sources confirmed Tuesday that area mom Patricia Matheson had brought home a little wooden plaque that says “Family.”

Mentally Unbalanced Man Still Waiting For The Right Trump Comment To Incite Him

HARRISBURG, PA—Explaining that the candidate’s recent inflammatory statements had further stoked his uncontrollable fury but hadn’t quite pushed him over the edge, local resident and mentally unhinged man Peter Scheft told reporters Friday he is still waiting for the exact right comment from Trump that will incite him to action.

No One Really Knows What Dad Was Doing From 1985 To 1988

BOSTON—Unable to recall a single instance in which their father mentioned any details about his early adulthood, the children of local man Alan Murphy confirmed Monday they had no idea what he was doing between the years of 1985 and 1988.

Home Depot Employee Can Tell This Customer’s First Attempt At Pipe Bomb

APPLETON, WI—Shaking his head Monday as the customer selected a length of plastic pipe over a stronger metal alternative and placed it into his shopping cart, local Home Depot sales associate Graham Warner, 57, was reportedly able to tell right away that this was the store patron’s first attempt at making a pipe bomb.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup

KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.

Only News Source Man Trusts Has Logo Of Eyeball In Crosshairs

FULLERTON, CA—Noting that he relies upon the website every day to keep himself apprised of important national and global events, sources confirmed Thursday that the only news outlet local man Andrew Howland trusts uses an image of an eyeball in crosshairs as its logo.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Puberty Absolutely Teeing Off On Area Teen

Sources say uncomfortable growing pains and nocturnal emissions have been giving the helpless kid the old one-two for months now.
Sources say uncomfortable growing pains and nocturnal emissions have been giving the helpless kid the old one-two for months now.

MISSOULA, MT—Explaining that he has been knocked around pretty hard lately by all kinds of confusing new emotions and awkward changes to his body, local sources confirmed Tuesday that puberty is absolutely teeing off on area teenager Spencer Huncosky.

According to individuals close to the 13-year-old, the period of physical and sexual maturation is “having a field day with the poor guy,” coming at him from all sides with oily, blemish-ridden skin, repugnant body odor, and a voice that cracks every time he tries to speak.

“It really just came out of nowhere and laid right into him,” said Julie Murphy, who teaches Huncosky’s social studies class and has noted her student’s severely protruding Adam’s apple and ill-fitting clothes as he rapidly grows in height. “Between the uncontrollable sweating and the greasy hair sticking to his scalp, he’s in pretty rough shape. It’s like adolescence just opened up and blasted him right in the face with both barrels.”

“Puberty is completely owning this kid,” Murphy added.

Sources further reported that the local teen’s rising levels of androgens and testosterone have given it to him pretty hard, pounding him nonstop with everything from bewildering mood swings to uneven patches of body hair to severe, nodular acne. In addition, the increased activity of his pituitary gland has apparently put him through the wringer with an ungainly growth spurt, knocking the kid on his ass as he struggles to adjust to his oversized and gangly limbs.

Considering the frequency with which he is stricken by unexplained and embarrassing erections, sources stated that Huncosky’s hormone levels are pretty much just holding him down and whaling on him at this point.

“Boy, these bodily changes are definitely kicking him while he’s down,” said Huncosky’s classmate Evan Meyers, adding that right when he thought his fellow eighth-grader had taken all he could, puberty absolutely unloaded on him again as a dozen or so dark, wispy hairs began to grow in on his upper lip. “It came after him, and it was just like bam, bam, bam, you know? I thought I had it bad, but adolescence is just fucking destroying this guy. He’s breaking out so bad on his back that he won’t even take his T-shirt off when he goes swimming.”

“The worst part is, he has to take another three or four years of this stuff,” Meyers continued. “These are just the early stages, and puberty is totally crushing it.”

According to reports, the merciless period of development was still in the ring holding Huncosky in a headlock when it suddenly tagged in the heart-wrenching news of his parents’ divorce, which immediately began kneeing the teenager right in the groin.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close