Puberty Absolutely Teeing Off On Area Teen

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Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.

Area Man A Staunch Single-Gender Voter

JOHNSTOWN, PA—Saying it was the only factor he considered when deciding who to cast his ballot for, local man William Swanson, 44, told reporters Thursday he is strictly a single-gender voter.

Weird Relative At Family Reunion Knows How Everyone Related To Each Other

WELDON SPRING, MO—Saying she possessed a seemingly limitless wealth of information on various cousins, step-siblings, and in-laws, sources at the 2016 Webb family reunion this past weekend confirmed that weird relative Susan Amos, 73, exhibited a strikingly intricate knowledge of how everyone was related to each other.

Woman Worried She Doing Bad Job Enjoying Massage

MALVERN, PA—Silently wondering throughout the hour-long appointment if there was anything she could be doing to enhance the experience, local woman Caitlyn Leigh reportedly worried Wednesday that she was doing a bad job enjoying the full-body massage she was receiving.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Mom On Vacation Marveling At Time Difference Compared To Home

SAN DIEGO—Having already pointed out when everyone back home was getting off work and when the local nightly news was starting, area mother Pam Westin spent much of the first day of her family’s week-long California vacation marveling at the time difference compared to where they lived, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Puberty Absolutely Teeing Off On Area Teen

Sources say uncomfortable growing pains and nocturnal emissions have been giving the helpless kid the old one-two for months now.
Sources say uncomfortable growing pains and nocturnal emissions have been giving the helpless kid the old one-two for months now.

MISSOULA, MT—Explaining that he has been knocked around pretty hard lately by all kinds of confusing new emotions and awkward changes to his body, local sources confirmed Tuesday that puberty is absolutely teeing off on area teenager Spencer Huncosky.

According to individuals close to the 13-year-old, the period of physical and sexual maturation is “having a field day with the poor guy,” coming at him from all sides with oily, blemish-ridden skin, repugnant body odor, and a voice that cracks every time he tries to speak.

“It really just came out of nowhere and laid right into him,” said Julie Murphy, who teaches Huncosky’s social studies class and has noted her student’s severely protruding Adam’s apple and ill-fitting clothes as he rapidly grows in height. “Between the uncontrollable sweating and the greasy hair sticking to his scalp, he’s in pretty rough shape. It’s like adolescence just opened up and blasted him right in the face with both barrels.”

“Puberty is completely owning this kid,” Murphy added.

Sources further reported that the local teen’s rising levels of androgens and testosterone have given it to him pretty hard, pounding him nonstop with everything from bewildering mood swings to uneven patches of body hair to severe, nodular acne. In addition, the increased activity of his pituitary gland has apparently put him through the wringer with an ungainly growth spurt, knocking the kid on his ass as he struggles to adjust to his oversized and gangly limbs.

Considering the frequency with which he is stricken by unexplained and embarrassing erections, sources stated that Huncosky’s hormone levels are pretty much just holding him down and whaling on him at this point.

“Boy, these bodily changes are definitely kicking him while he’s down,” said Huncosky’s classmate Evan Meyers, adding that right when he thought his fellow eighth-grader had taken all he could, puberty absolutely unloaded on him again as a dozen or so dark, wispy hairs began to grow in on his upper lip. “It came after him, and it was just like bam, bam, bam, you know? I thought I had it bad, but adolescence is just fucking destroying this guy. He’s breaking out so bad on his back that he won’t even take his T-shirt off when he goes swimming.”

“The worst part is, he has to take another three or four years of this stuff,” Meyers continued. “These are just the early stages, and puberty is totally crushing it.”

According to reports, the merciless period of development was still in the ring holding Huncosky in a headlock when it suddenly tagged in the heart-wrenching news of his parents’ divorce, which immediately began kneeing the teenager right in the groin.


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