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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Puberty Absolutely Teeing Off On Area Teen

Sources say uncomfortable growing pains and nocturnal emissions have been giving the helpless kid the old one-two for months now.
Sources say uncomfortable growing pains and nocturnal emissions have been giving the helpless kid the old one-two for months now.

MISSOULA, MT—Explaining that he has been knocked around pretty hard lately by all kinds of confusing new emotions and awkward changes to his body, local sources confirmed Tuesday that puberty is absolutely teeing off on area teenager Spencer Huncosky.

According to individuals close to the 13-year-old, the period of physical and sexual maturation is “having a field day with the poor guy,” coming at him from all sides with oily, blemish-ridden skin, repugnant body odor, and a voice that cracks every time he tries to speak.

“It really just came out of nowhere and laid right into him,” said Julie Murphy, who teaches Huncosky’s social studies class and has noted her student’s severely protruding Adam’s apple and ill-fitting clothes as he rapidly grows in height. “Between the uncontrollable sweating and the greasy hair sticking to his scalp, he’s in pretty rough shape. It’s like adolescence just opened up and blasted him right in the face with both barrels.”

“Puberty is completely owning this kid,” Murphy added.

Sources further reported that the local teen’s rising levels of androgens and testosterone have given it to him pretty hard, pounding him nonstop with everything from bewildering mood swings to uneven patches of body hair to severe, nodular acne. In addition, the increased activity of his pituitary gland has apparently put him through the wringer with an ungainly growth spurt, knocking the kid on his ass as he struggles to adjust to his oversized and gangly limbs.

Considering the frequency with which he is stricken by unexplained and embarrassing erections, sources stated that Huncosky’s hormone levels are pretty much just holding him down and whaling on him at this point.

“Boy, these bodily changes are definitely kicking him while he’s down,” said Huncosky’s classmate Evan Meyers, adding that right when he thought his fellow eighth-grader had taken all he could, puberty absolutely unloaded on him again as a dozen or so dark, wispy hairs began to grow in on his upper lip. “It came after him, and it was just like bam, bam, bam, you know? I thought I had it bad, but adolescence is just fucking destroying this guy. He’s breaking out so bad on his back that he won’t even take his T-shirt off when he goes swimming.”

“The worst part is, he has to take another three or four years of this stuff,” Meyers continued. “These are just the early stages, and puberty is totally crushing it.”

According to reports, the merciless period of development was still in the ring holding Huncosky in a headlock when it suddenly tagged in the heart-wrenching news of his parents’ divorce, which immediately began kneeing the teenager right in the groin.

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