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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.
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Public Calls For Formation Of Some Sort Of Federal Administration To Manage Emergencies

NEW ORLEANS (Sept. 7)—In the wake of Hurricane Katrina's devastation of the Gulf Coast, Americans are demanding that President Bush sign an executive order that would create a government agency to assist citizens affected by disasters. "Clearly, there is a pressing need for some kind of federal agency to manage these types of emergencies," New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin said. "A federal emergency management administration, if you will." Nagin added that this organization's purpose could dovetail with another federal agency intended to secure the U.S. homeland, if such a thing existed.

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