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Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Public Speaking Tips

Speaking in public can be a nerve-wracking experience.

Here are some tips to help you captivate an audience:

Public Speaker

  • Structure your speech to include a strong opening, a memorable conclusion, and at least six references to your wife sitting in the front row.

  • Rehearse your speech in front of the mirror, if you are attractive.
  • Imagining your audience naked is passé. Imagine them weak, emotionally vulnerable, and thirsty for a peer-shared breakthrough.
  • Kids, if you are preparing to give a class presentation, remember not to be fat.
  • Public speaking is a lot like riding your bike: It's tiring, you get sweaty, and sooner or later you take an iron bar to the nuts.
  • The first step to great speech-giving is great speech-writing. And the only way to master speech-writing is to enroll in one of the many speech-writing courses at Newbury College. Newbury, where your dreams come to life.
  • It's probably best to leave unverified allegations that Saddam Hussein tried to obtain uranium from Africa out of your State Of The Union address.
  • Your audience is just as afraid of you as you are of it. Don't make any sudden movements.
  • Posture is important! When speaking, insert your left hand into your toga and extend your right hand toward the heavens.
  • As a public speaker, you should always be given snacks before speaking. Make this clear to the audience as soon as you get on stage: No snacks, no speech.
  • "Weird Al" Yankovic performs in front of large groups of strangers all the time. If that freak can do it, you ought to be able to manage.
  • Remember, girls: Pear-shaped vowels, crisp consonants. Inhale through the nose, delivering the air to the diaphragm. Exhale in a graceful, circular movement. (This tip courtesy of Miss Eleanor Carlton, headmistress of Miss Carlton's Finishing Academy For Exemplary Young Women, established 1932.)
  • The oldest, best-known public-speaking tip still applies: Shut the fuck up, jackass.

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