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Public Speaking Tips

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Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon
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Public Speaking Tips

Speaking in public can be a nerve-wracking experience.

Here are some tips to help you captivate an audience:

Public Speaker

  • Structure your speech to include a strong opening, a memorable conclusion, and at least six references to your wife sitting in the front row.

  • Rehearse your speech in front of the mirror, if you are attractive.
  • Imagining your audience naked is passé. Imagine them weak, emotionally vulnerable, and thirsty for a peer-shared breakthrough.
  • Kids, if you are preparing to give a class presentation, remember not to be fat.
  • Public speaking is a lot like riding your bike: It's tiring, you get sweaty, and sooner or later you take an iron bar to the nuts.
  • The first step to great speech-giving is great speech-writing. And the only way to master speech-writing is to enroll in one of the many speech-writing courses at Newbury College. Newbury, where your dreams come to life.
  • It's probably best to leave unverified allegations that Saddam Hussein tried to obtain uranium from Africa out of your State Of The Union address.
  • Your audience is just as afraid of you as you are of it. Don't make any sudden movements.
  • Posture is important! When speaking, insert your left hand into your toga and extend your right hand toward the heavens.
  • As a public speaker, you should always be given snacks before speaking. Make this clear to the audience as soon as you get on stage: No snacks, no speech.
  • "Weird Al" Yankovic performs in front of large groups of strangers all the time. If that freak can do it, you ought to be able to manage.
  • Remember, girls: Pear-shaped vowels, crisp consonants. Inhale through the nose, delivering the air to the diaphragm. Exhale in a graceful, circular movement. (This tip courtesy of Miss Eleanor Carlton, headmistress of Miss Carlton's Finishing Academy For Exemplary Young Women, established 1932.)
  • The oldest, best-known public-speaking tip still applies: Shut the fuck up, jackass.

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