adBlockCheck

Local

Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
End Of Section
  • More News

Public Urinator Gives Passerby Dirty Look

TALLAHASSEE, FL—While walking past a house party on Tripoli Avenue early Sunday morning, Howard Lipner, 20, received a withering look from an unidentified public urinator. "He was taking a leak right there in the front yard, not even behind a bush, or garbage can, or anything," Lipner said. "And he gives me this look, like, 'What are you looking at? Can't you see I'm trying to take a piss?' As if it's my fault for walking on a public sidewalk while he's out there taking a leak, like the king of Sheba." Lipner assured reporters that he intentionally avoided looking at the urinator's penis, because he's "not some kind of perv."

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close