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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Publicist’s Single Dream In Life For Nation To Have Wes Bentley Fever

LOS ANGELES—Saying that she wants nothing more than for her client to gain the fame and notoriety he deserves, Hollywood publicist Kelsey Schumacher told reporters Tuesday that her greatest single dream in life is for the nation to be overtaken by Wes Bentley fever. “If I don’t ever have a family, or ever get to travel, or fall in love, that will be fine as long as I can ramp up Wes Bentley’s buzz and ensure that he takes the world by storm,” Schumacher said, adding that her life will be rendered meaningless if the Jonah Hex and American Beauty actor’s face doesn’t constantly appear on the cover of celebrity gossip magazines with captions such as “Wes Bentley Shows Off His Killer Beach Bod,” “Wes Wows On The Red Carpet,” and “Behind The Scenes Of The Latest Wes Bentley Movie.” “My most deeply held hopes and wishes would be fulfilled if we somehow lived in a world where people were clamoring for all the Wes Bentley they could get, where Wes Bentley would have to turn down talk show spots because he’s been double-booked, and where directors would bend over backwards to get Wes Bentley in their projects. If that happened, my existence on this earth would make sense.” At press time, Schumacher was attempting to foster a groundswell of social media attention for her client by getting the hashtag #WBent to trend.

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