Pudding-Factory Disaster Brings Slow, Creamy Death To Town Below

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Vol 35 Issue 40

That Guy From That One Show To Make Guest Appearance On That Other Show

DECATUR, GA—According to a report from local Chik-Fil-A cashier Len Baxter, that dude on that one show about the guy who can see into the future is going to be on that other show with the two chicks who are undercover cops. "Supposedly, he's playing the blonde one's cousin or something," Baxter told co-workers Monday at the fast-food restaurant, "so he's not the same guy he plays on his show. It's not, like, a combination of the two shows." The highly anticipated episode airs this Friday, though Baxter conceded that he may watch the one about the reporter and the rollerblading dog instead.

Jesus-Loving Co-Worker Believes She's Not Alone At Lunch Table

POCATELLO, ID—Sitting by herself at a table in the Pocatello Tool Works lunchroom, devout Christian Brenda Smolensk announced Monday that she is "convinced beyond any doubt" that she is not alone. "Oh, there may not be anybody sitting to my right, my left or anywhere else at this table," Smolensk said, "but He is with me." Smolensk's co-workers said her overwhelming love of Christ is the reason for her lack of companionship. "We used to sit with her," co-worker Don Inkster said, "but she wouldn't shut up about Jesus and the Bible and stuff. Now we wait for her to sit down before deciding where to eat." Smolensk is also convinced she did not spend last Christmas, New Year's Eve, Valentine's Day, Easter and Thanksgiving alone.

Quaker Oats Assembly-Line Worker Fired For 'Oops! All Berries' Incident

DE KALB, IL—Richard Karl, a 47-year-old assembly-line worker at Quaker Oats' Cap'n Crunch With Crunchberries plant in De Kalb, was fired Monday following an "Oops! All Berries" mishap." "This cereal is supposed to have a yellow-piece-to-Crunchberry ratio of 4:1," Quaker spokeswoman Melissa Dyer said. "But Mr. Karl failed to pull the lever that sends the yellow bits down the chute into the big funnel, so there aren't any in Monday's entire batch of cereal. It's all Crunchberries." Added Dyer: "What are we going to do with all these boxes of pure Crunchberries? You'd have to really love Crunchberries to want to eat these."

Cell-Phone User Promises Girlfriend, Entire Post Office He'll Try To Change

RALEIGH, NC—Speaking on his cell phone while waiting in line to buy stamps Monday, Brad McCall assured girlfriend Stephanie Green, as well as 14 customers and six postal workers at the Jefferson Street Post Office, that he will do everything in his power to change. "Things have just been so messed-up for me lately with all the stuff that's been going on. I know I haven't been myself," he explained to Green and the crowd of strangers. "But all that's gonna change soon." McCall also told fellow post-office patrons that if getting a place together is what it takes to make her feel like he is committed, he is "totally willing."

Ideas That Made Me Millions

Astute readers—of which I have nearly none, as you are a pack of Judas-livered, porridge-pantsed, mung-brained tit-mice—know that I am renowned throughout the Republic for my formidable business acumen. And though my fame and fortune spring mainly from my able helms-manship of The Onion news-paper, I have had many successful marketing ventures over the years. I certainly didn't get to be the East Coast's fore-most miser by depending on your literacy, you know!
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Good Times

Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

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Pudding-Factory Disaster Brings Slow, Creamy Death To Town Below

CENTRALIA, IL—Sweet, creamy death swept through this small Illinois town Monday, when nine 300,000-gallon storage vats violently burst at the local Snak-Tyme pudding factory, burying hundreds of residents in a rich, smooth tidal wave of horrifying pudding goodness.

Automobiles are trapped in a deadly swirl of chocolate and vanilla Snak-Tyme pudding.

The death toll from the lip-smacking tragedy currently stands at 350 and is expected to rise.

"After hearing a series of loud explosions, I looked out the window and saw the great taste of Snak-Tyme engulfing everything in its path," said barber Bill Cangelosi, who barely escaped with his life when his shop was devastated by a lethal dollop of butterscotch.

Within an hour, the downtown area was transformed into a scrumptious hell on earth, as millions of gallons of chocolate, vanilla and butterscotch pudding slowly seeped through the streets.

"I've lost everything," said Anne Dubrow, whose ground-floor apartment was filled to the ceiling with a heapin' helpin' of Snak-Tyme. "My home has been completely destroyed by this tragic, tragic snack treat."

"What can I do now?" Dubrow asked. "Everything I own is Delectably Choco-Licious™."

An amateur video of the disaster shot from a downtown third-floor window shows vehicles and bodies being engulfed by the slow-moving dessert wave, helplessly sucked into thick whirlpools formed by creamy torrents of pudding surging from opposite directions. As many as 100 people are believed to have perished at the bottom of these deadly Dubl-Flav'r Snak-Swirls™.

The pudding-factory disaster is believed to have started when a computer monitoring vat pressure malfunctioned. "We have a new guy on the vat station and, apparently, he failed to detect the error," said plant foreman Earl Krause. "Sadly, this tiny lapse in concentration spelled flavorful, mouth-watering doom for hundreds of innocent people."

The stiffened hand of a victim protrudes from the grim, yummy morass.

Rescue dogs, which have been brought in to locate victims buried beneath the pudding, are proving ineffective, said emergency-response-team leader Warren Kuehn.

"Even our best dogs can only go in there for 10 or 15 minutes before emerging completely full and requiring a nap of some three or four hours," Kuehn said. "That's some good pudding."

Survivors whose homes were buried under the massive snackslide have been relocated to a nearby high-school gymnasium. Local food banks are aggressively soliciting donations of napkins and ice-cold milk.

Monday's accident is the nation's worst snacktastrophe since 1993, when an E.L. Fudgeplosion at the Keebler Nuclear Facility in Easton, PA, caused a chocolate meltdown in the plant's core reactor, killing 827 and exposing thousands more to the uncommonly good taste of Keebler cookies.

"This mess will likely take months to fully clean up," said Centralia mayor Gordon Engers. "Because Snak-Tyme is made just like Grandma used to, with real cane sugar and no new-fangled sweeteners, it's going to get stuck to everything."

"Snak-Tyme normally brings a smile to everyone's face," Engers said. "But today, this delicious pudding has brought nothing but human misery."

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