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Pudding-Factory Disaster Brings Slow, Creamy Death To Town Below

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God Hurting After Eating 20-Piece Spicy Angel Wings

THE HEAVENS—Staring off into the middle distance for several minutes in obvious discomfort, The Lord Almighty, Our Heavenly Father, announced Monday that He was “hurting real bad” after consuming an entire 20-piece order of spicy angel wings.

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Area Dad Stares Longingly At Covered Grill In Backyard

‘I Haven’t Forgotten You,’ Father Softly Whispers

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Grin Slowly Spreads Across Mom’s Face As Meal Revealed To Contain Healthy Ingredients

‘The Mashed Potatoes Are Actually Made With Cauliflower,’ She Announces

VERONA, WI—Having waited until everyone at the table had finished their dinner Monday, a knowing grin reportedly spread across local mother Angela Hopkins’ face as she announced to her family that the mashed potatoes had in fact been made using cauliflower as a healthier alternative.

Tips For Handling A Picky Eater

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Man Pushed Off Plate Of Chicken Wings By Larger Male

WARMINSTER, PA—Looking on as the intense display of aggressive behavior played out over several minutes, sources at Flannigan’s Bar & Grill confirmed Thursday that local man Pete Samuelson was pushed off a plate of buffalo wings by a much larger alpha male.

Grandma Guts It Out Through Lunch On Sunny Patio

MALVERN, PA—Making the audacious decision to dine outdoors with her family despite a noticeable lack of umbrellas or awnings, grandmother Diane McGilvery, 83, reportedly gutted it out through lunch Friday on the sunny patio of a local restaurant.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...

Café Adds Heartbreaking Little Lunch Menu

EUGENE, OR—Noting the new food items in a small boxed-off corner of the overhead chalkboard, patrons at local coffee shop Fairmount Java told reporters Monday that the café had apparently added a heartbreaking little lunch menu.

How Michelin Rates Restaurants

For decades, the French company Michelin has published a restaurant guide that rates restaurants on a scale of one to three stars, giving them a coveted Michelin star status.

People Apparently Been Using Rest Stop Barbecue Pit

GREENVILLE, SC—Scrutinizing the ashes of charcoal briquettes inside the weathered firebox, motorist Matt Palmeri reportedly deduced Thursday that people traveling southbound along Interstate 85 have apparently been using the rest stop’s barbec...

Man Who Stopped Dieting Already Seeing Results

MIDDLETOWN, KY—Noting that his new look had really turned heads among friends and family, local man Steven Jensen told reporters Wednesday that he had recently stopped dieting and had already started to see results.

Fast Food Customers Less Appealing Than In Commercial

GREENVILLE, SC—Expressing his disappointment shortly after sitting down for lunch at a local franchise location Wednesday, area man Peter Strauss told reporters that the customers at Burger King were actually far less appealing in real life than the...

Restaurant Gives Totally Unwanted Twist To Mexican Cuisine

BERKELEY, CA—Claiming that the eatery was already generating a buzz among locals with its “East Meets Mex” flavors, owners of the Bento Burrito location on Shattuck Avenue explained to reporters Tuesday how their new restaurant offers a ...

Scout Returns With News Of Quicker Checkout Line To The East

SALINAS, CA—After venturing forth into the vast, unexplored territory beyond the battery display, a scout is said to have returned from the farthest reaches of the Safeway cashier lanes with word of a quicker checkout line to the east, sources confi...
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Pudding-Factory Disaster Brings Slow, Creamy Death To Town Below

CENTRALIA, IL—Sweet, creamy death swept through this small Illinois town Monday, when nine 300,000-gallon storage vats violently burst at the local Snak-Tyme pudding factory, burying hundreds of residents in a rich, smooth tidal wave of horrifying pudding goodness.

Automobiles are trapped in a deadly swirl of chocolate and vanilla Snak-Tyme pudding.

The death toll from the lip-smacking tragedy currently stands at 350 and is expected to rise.

"After hearing a series of loud explosions, I looked out the window and saw the great taste of Snak-Tyme engulfing everything in its path," said barber Bill Cangelosi, who barely escaped with his life when his shop was devastated by a lethal dollop of butterscotch.

Within an hour, the downtown area was transformed into a scrumptious hell on earth, as millions of gallons of chocolate, vanilla and butterscotch pudding slowly seeped through the streets.

"I've lost everything," said Anne Dubrow, whose ground-floor apartment was filled to the ceiling with a heapin' helpin' of Snak-Tyme. "My home has been completely destroyed by this tragic, tragic snack treat."

"What can I do now?" Dubrow asked. "Everything I own is Delectably Choco-Licious™."

An amateur video of the disaster shot from a downtown third-floor window shows vehicles and bodies being engulfed by the slow-moving dessert wave, helplessly sucked into thick whirlpools formed by creamy torrents of pudding surging from opposite directions. As many as 100 people are believed to have perished at the bottom of these deadly Dubl-Flav'r Snak-Swirls™.

The pudding-factory disaster is believed to have started when a computer monitoring vat pressure malfunctioned. "We have a new guy on the vat station and, apparently, he failed to detect the error," said plant foreman Earl Krause. "Sadly, this tiny lapse in concentration spelled flavorful, mouth-watering doom for hundreds of innocent people."

The stiffened hand of a victim protrudes from the grim, yummy morass.

Rescue dogs, which have been brought in to locate victims buried beneath the pudding, are proving ineffective, said emergency-response-team leader Warren Kuehn.

"Even our best dogs can only go in there for 10 or 15 minutes before emerging completely full and requiring a nap of some three or four hours," Kuehn said. "That's some good pudding."

Survivors whose homes were buried under the massive snackslide have been relocated to a nearby high-school gymnasium. Local food banks are aggressively soliciting donations of napkins and ice-cold milk.

Monday's accident is the nation's worst snacktastrophe since 1993, when an E.L. Fudgeplosion at the Keebler Nuclear Facility in Easton, PA, caused a chocolate meltdown in the plant's core reactor, killing 827 and exposing thousands more to the uncommonly good taste of Keebler cookies.

"This mess will likely take months to fully clean up," said Centralia mayor Gordon Engers. "Because Snak-Tyme is made just like Grandma used to, with real cane sugar and no new-fangled sweeteners, it's going to get stuck to everything."

"Snak-Tyme normally brings a smile to everyone's face," Engers said. "But today, this delicious pudding has brought nothing but human misery."

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