adBlockCheck

Recent News

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.

The Pros And Cons Of Universal Basic Income

As Finland tests a program to give a universal basic income to unemployed citizens, many wonder if a similar initiative could work in the United States. Here are some pros and cons of such a program:

What Compromising Information Does Russia Have On Donald Trump?

On Tuesday, it was reported that leaders of American intelligence agencies had given Donald Trump a memo advising that Russia had gathered compromising personal information about him as part of a wider effort to disrupt the election, though these claims remain unsubstantiated and both the president-elect and the Kremlin deny these reports. Here’s a look at what damaging information Russia may have in its possession.
End Of Section
  • More News

Pudding-Factory Disaster Brings Slow, Creamy Death To Town Below

CENTRALIA, IL—Sweet, creamy death swept through this small Illinois town Monday, when nine 300,000-gallon storage vats violently burst at the local Snak-Tyme pudding factory, burying hundreds of residents in a rich, smooth tidal wave of horrifying pudding goodness.

Automobiles are trapped in a deadly swirl of chocolate and vanilla Snak-Tyme pudding.

The death toll from the lip-smacking tragedy currently stands at 350 and is expected to rise.

"After hearing a series of loud explosions, I looked out the window and saw the great taste of Snak-Tyme engulfing everything in its path," said barber Bill Cangelosi, who barely escaped with his life when his shop was devastated by a lethal dollop of butterscotch.

Within an hour, the downtown area was transformed into a scrumptious hell on earth, as millions of gallons of chocolate, vanilla and butterscotch pudding slowly seeped through the streets.

"I've lost everything," said Anne Dubrow, whose ground-floor apartment was filled to the ceiling with a heapin' helpin' of Snak-Tyme. "My home has been completely destroyed by this tragic, tragic snack treat."

"What can I do now?" Dubrow asked. "Everything I own is Delectably Choco-Licious™."

An amateur video of the disaster shot from a downtown third-floor window shows vehicles and bodies being engulfed by the slow-moving dessert wave, helplessly sucked into thick whirlpools formed by creamy torrents of pudding surging from opposite directions. As many as 100 people are believed to have perished at the bottom of these deadly Dubl-Flav'r Snak-Swirls™.

The pudding-factory disaster is believed to have started when a computer monitoring vat pressure malfunctioned. "We have a new guy on the vat station and, apparently, he failed to detect the error," said plant foreman Earl Krause. "Sadly, this tiny lapse in concentration spelled flavorful, mouth-watering doom for hundreds of innocent people."

The stiffened hand of a victim protrudes from the grim, yummy morass.

Rescue dogs, which have been brought in to locate victims buried beneath the pudding, are proving ineffective, said emergency-response-team leader Warren Kuehn.

"Even our best dogs can only go in there for 10 or 15 minutes before emerging completely full and requiring a nap of some three or four hours," Kuehn said. "That's some good pudding."

Survivors whose homes were buried under the massive snackslide have been relocated to a nearby high-school gymnasium. Local food banks are aggressively soliciting donations of napkins and ice-cold milk.

Monday's accident is the nation's worst snacktastrophe since 1993, when an E.L. Fudgeplosion at the Keebler Nuclear Facility in Easton, PA, caused a chocolate meltdown in the plant's core reactor, killing 827 and exposing thousands more to the uncommonly good taste of Keebler cookies.

"This mess will likely take months to fully clean up," said Centralia mayor Gordon Engers. "Because Snak-Tyme is made just like Grandma used to, with real cane sugar and no new-fangled sweeteners, it's going to get stuck to everything."

"Snak-Tyme normally brings a smile to everyone's face," Engers said. "But today, this delicious pudding has brought nothing but human misery."

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close