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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Pujols Switches To Shiny Red Bat As Mid-Career Crisis Sets In

SEATTLE—Angels slugger Albert Pujols reportedly showed up to the team’s dugout Tuesday with an expensive little bright-red bat, prompting players to speculate that the 32-year-old was entering a mid-career crisis. “He’s seemed kind of down since his numbers started dipping and people stopped talking about him as the best hitter in baseball, so it’s not really surprising to see him swinging around that brand-new sporty cherry-red bat,” said Angels left fielder Vernon Wells, who confirmed Pujols had also recently attempted to appear younger by wearing tight leather pants during games. “Albert says playing with a young rookie phenom contending for the MVP doesn’t make him feel insecure, but that zippy crimson bat says otherwise. He’s been bragging about how the barrel is blazingly fast and cracks louder when it hits the ball, but his wife is going to kill him for blowing $50,000 on a bat.” At press time, team sources confirmed Pujols had driven his 2013 Harley-Davidson Iron 883 motorcycle to the on-deck circle for batting practice.

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