Pujols Switches To Shiny Red Bat As Mid-Career Crisis Sets In

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Vol 48 Issue 40

Turkish Actor Thinks He's Cüneyt Fucking Arkin

ISTANBUL—The cast and crew of the Turkish film Arada confirmed this week that local actor Ahmet Demir, 28, is strutting around the set like he’s goddamned film superstar Cüneyt fucking Arkin or something.

Record Number Of Gay Characters On TV

A record 4.4 percent of all scripted TV characters on the five major networks are either gay, bisexual, or transgender this season, with a total of 111 LGBT characters across all channels, according to the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

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Pujols Switches To Shiny Red Bat As Mid-Career Crisis Sets In

SEATTLE—Angels slugger Albert Pujols reportedly showed up to the team’s dugout Tuesday with an expensive little bright-red bat, prompting players to speculate that the 32-year-old was entering a mid-career crisis. “He’s seemed kind of down since his numbers started dipping and people stopped talking about him as the best hitter in baseball, so it’s not really surprising to see him swinging around that brand-new sporty cherry-red bat,” said Angels left fielder Vernon Wells, who confirmed Pujols had also recently attempted to appear younger by wearing tight leather pants during games. “Albert says playing with a young rookie phenom contending for the MVP doesn’t make him feel insecure, but that zippy crimson bat says otherwise. He’s been bragging about how the barrel is blazingly fast and cracks louder when it hits the ball, but his wife is going to kill him for blowing $50,000 on a bat.” At press time, team sources confirmed Pujols had driven his 2013 Harley-Davidson Iron 883 motorcycle to the on-deck circle for batting practice.

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