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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Pulitzer Board Adds Giant Pumpkin Category

NEW YORK—The Pulitzer Prize Board announced Friday that it was expanding the scope of its prestigious journalism and arts awards with the introduction of a new Giant Pumpkin category. "Recognizing the hugest pumpkins is another way to honor the standard of excellence embodied by the Pulitzer Prize," said co-chair Ann Marie Lipinski, adding that the forklift and industrial platform scale to be used for Pulitzer weigh-ins had already been brought into the board’s Columbia University office. "Over the years, we have conferred honors upon some of the most distinguished writers and artists in the nation, and all pumpkins under consideration will be required to have attained that same level of achievement." Although the official Pulitzer finalists will not be announced until April, favorites to win include The New York Times, The Baltimore Sun, and "Big Bertha," a 1,587-pound pumpkin grown in Lodi, WI.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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