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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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Pulitzer Board Adds Giant Pumpkin Category

NEW YORK—The Pulitzer Prize Board announced Friday that it was expanding the scope of its prestigious journalism and arts awards with the introduction of a new Giant Pumpkin category. "Recognizing the hugest pumpkins is another way to honor the standard of excellence embodied by the Pulitzer Prize," said co-chair Ann Marie Lipinski, adding that the forklift and industrial platform scale to be used for Pulitzer weigh-ins had already been brought into the board’s Columbia University office. "Over the years, we have conferred honors upon some of the most distinguished writers and artists in the nation, and all pumpkins under consideration will be required to have attained that same level of achievement." Although the official Pulitzer finalists will not be announced until April, favorites to win include The New York Times, The Baltimore Sun, and "Big Bertha," a 1,587-pound pumpkin grown in Lodi, WI.

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