adBlockCheck

Local

Nauseatingly Precious NYC Couples To Walk Around In Rain

The Onion Weather Center looks at New York City where heavy rain causes obnoxious loving couples to come out and walk around the city like a bunch of assholes who have never seen rain before, and an impending blackout gives the city's working class its...

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
End Of Section
  • More News

Punk Band Has Something Against Local Newscaster For Some Reason

HARRISBURG, PA—Crucial Consensus, a local hardcore punk band, apparently holds a longstanding grudge against Channel 27 newsanchor Rick Wagner. "They opened with this song called 'DickLick Wagner,'" said Brad Gottesman, 17, who attended the group's Tuesday show at the Harrisburg VFW Hall. "Then they played something called 'Phlegm At Eleven,' followed by 'Wankorman' and 'Channel 666.' They really seem to hate the media—especially, for some reason, Rick Wagner."

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close