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Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.

Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.
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Punxsutawney Phil Beheaded For Inaccurate Prediction On Annual Groundhog Slaughtering Day

PUNXSUTAWNEY, PA—As a due punishment for the animal having incorrectly predicted an early spring, local residents gathered in a public square today to bear somber witness to the beheading of weather-prognosticating rodent Punxsutawney Phil as part of the region’s traditional Groundhog Slaughtering Day. “Punxsutawney Phil must suffer the consequences of his erroneous and poorly conceived forecast,” said town councilman Kenneth Joachim as he held the rodent’s trembling body against the chopping block and lifted an ax high, bringing it down in a single, assured stroke that cleanly decapitated the animal, a tradition that stretches back to the town’s founding. “Let this gesture stand as a stark reminder to all future groundhogs who seek to presage winter’s end without evidence or merit.” Town council members then announced that Punxsutawney Phil’s headless body would be ceremonially devoured raw by the mayor later that evening.

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