Best of Sports 2015

Royals Prove Doubters Who Were Still Paying Attention Wrong

NEW YORK—Having capped off their championship run with a 7-2 victory over the New York Mets in Game 5 Sunday night, members of the Kansas City Royals expressed their delight at silencing the doubters who still happened to be paying any attention to the World Series.

55-Year-Old Guy Dominating YMCA Pickup Basketball Game

CINCINNATI—Surprising many with his impeccable fundamentals and intense style of play, sources at the Elm Street YMCA confirmed Thursday that a 55-year-old man is absolutely dominating the competition at the gym’s evening pickup basketball game.

James Harden Pretty Sure He Felt Something Pop In Lower Beard

HOUSTON—Expressing concern that the injury could sideline him for the remainder of the postseason, Houston Rockets shooting guard James Harden confirmed Friday that he felt something pop in his lower beard during last night’s game against the Golden State Warriors.

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.
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Puppy Bowl Overshadowed By League’s Rampant Heartworm Pill Abuse

NEW YORK—As evidence mounts linking unregulated usage of the prescription medication to a variety of degenerative health issues, sources confirmed Sunday that Puppy Bowl XI is being increasingly overshadowed by the league’s rampant heartworm pill abuse. “The debilitating long-term effects of heartworm pills on puppies who abused them in their playing days are unfortunately only beginning to be understood,” said Slate editor Anthony Isaacson, adding that the intense buildup for this year’s Puppy Bowl falls against the backdrop of 14-week-old star labrador Bailey having been recently rushed to an animal hospital after being discovered in his dog bed severely vomiting and suffering convulsions from an apparent overdose of Heartgard Plus. “Puppies are often supplied heartworm pills by team veterinarians without any regard to the potential future health hazards down the road when they are 4 or 5 years old. Puppy football may be the country’s most adorable sport, but people must realize that it can be an ugly one as well.” Reached for comment, Animal Planet representatives refused to respond to allegations of widespread heartworm pill use, only stating that Puppy Bowl XI is “poised to be one of the cutest Puppy Bowls of all time.”

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