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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Purchase Of Jeans Ushers Man Into Exclusive, Ultra-Cool Subculture Of Jeans-Wearing Americans

PHILADELPHIA—Following his purchase of a pair of regular-fit Levi’s blue jeans, 32-year-old Frank Auttenberg has reportedly become part of the ultra-hip, ultra-exclusive subculture of pants-wearing Americans known as Jeans Wearers, sources confirmed Wednesday. “Just a few weeks ago I was a nobody, but look at me now—a member of the jeans-wearing underground, an elite and rare group of decision makers and persons of influence,” said Auttenberg, whose blue jeans get him tables at the coolest restaurants and cause people to ask, “Who is that man?” “Where is he going?” and “How do I become him?” “Innovators. Inventors. Tastemakers. Now that I wear jeans, these are the only sorts of people I socialize with. It’s the kind of realm only the hippest of the hip get to enter, but here I am, ready to make my dent.” Auttenberg then noticed another man wearing jeans nearby, grinned, and gave him a brief, knowing nod.

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