Purchase Of Jeans Ushers Man Into Exclusive, Ultra-Cool Subculture Of Jeans-Wearing Americans

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Vol 49 Issue 32

Carl Tresvant

Since he didn’t know anything about the topic being discussed, Carl Tresvant kept his goddamn trap shut.

Obama Taking 8-Day Martha’s Vineyard Vacation

The Obama family will leave Saturday for an 8-day vacation on the quiet, affluent island of Martha’s Vineyard, where they have visited three of the past four summers, and are expected to spend the week golfing, shopping, and relaxing.

Doctors Finally Clear Peyton Manning To Play Football

DENVER—Two years after performing his 2011 spinal fusion surgery, doctors announced this week that Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning has been officially cleared to return to the field and take part in football activities.
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Purchase Of Jeans Ushers Man Into Exclusive, Ultra-Cool Subculture Of Jeans-Wearing Americans

PHILADELPHIA—Following his purchase of a pair of regular-fit Levi’s blue jeans, 32-year-old Frank Auttenberg has reportedly become part of the ultra-hip, ultra-exclusive subculture of pants-wearing Americans known as Jeans Wearers, sources confirmed Wednesday. “Just a few weeks ago I was a nobody, but look at me now—a member of the jeans-wearing underground, an elite and rare group of decision makers and persons of influence,” said Auttenberg, whose blue jeans get him tables at the coolest restaurants and cause people to ask, “Who is that man?” “Where is he going?” and “How do I become him?” “Innovators. Inventors. Tastemakers. Now that I wear jeans, these are the only sorts of people I socialize with. It’s the kind of realm only the hippest of the hip get to enter, but here I am, ready to make my dent.” Auttenberg then noticed another man wearing jeans nearby, grinned, and gave him a brief, knowing nod.

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