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Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.

Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.
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Purchase Of Jeans Ushers Man Into Exclusive, Ultra-Cool Subculture Of Jeans-Wearing Americans

PHILADELPHIA—Following his purchase of a pair of regular-fit Levi’s blue jeans, 32-year-old Frank Auttenberg has reportedly become part of the ultra-hip, ultra-exclusive subculture of pants-wearing Americans known as Jeans Wearers, sources confirmed Wednesday. “Just a few weeks ago I was a nobody, but look at me now—a member of the jeans-wearing underground, an elite and rare group of decision makers and persons of influence,” said Auttenberg, whose blue jeans get him tables at the coolest restaurants and cause people to ask, “Who is that man?” “Where is he going?” and “How do I become him?” “Innovators. Inventors. Tastemakers. Now that I wear jeans, these are the only sorts of people I socialize with. It’s the kind of realm only the hippest of the hip get to enter, but here I am, ready to make my dent.” Auttenberg then noticed another man wearing jeans nearby, grinned, and gave him a brief, knowing nod.

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