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After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Pure-Hearted Little League World Series Players Playing Simply For Love Of ESPN’s Bottom Line

SOUTH WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Praising the young athletes for their unbridled enthusiasm, Little League World Series viewers from across the country marveled Friday at how refreshing it is to see players competing purely for their love of ESPN’s bottom line. “With the cutthroat, win-at-all-costs mentality of professional sports, it’s just great to see these kids take the field and play for no other reason than the simple joy of improving ESPN’s annual profit margin,” said Alex Rice, manager of the Philadelphia-based Taney Dragons, adding that the raw emotion and excitement displayed by his 11- to 13-year-old players when they bolster the cable sports network’s net earnings remind him of why he got into coaching youth baseball in the first place. “They all want to win, obviously, but at the end of the day, it’s not all about who wins and who loses. For them, it’s just about going out there with their friends and ensuring that ESPN—and ultimately, parent company Disney—can reap millions of dollars in advertising revenue and sponsorship deals during the summer lull before the NFL and NBA start back up again. This is what makes sports so great.” Rice added that he reminds his players before every game that regardless of which team is victorious, the only thing that truly matters is increasing viewership ratings so ESPN will have leverage to raise the cost of commercial time during next year’s tournament.

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