adBlockCheck

Purple Neon Light Around License Plate Lures Potential Mate

Top Headlines

Local

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

Mom Has Stacked Dinner Party Roster

GOLDEN, CO—Their eyes widening in amazement as the 43-year-old rattled off the names of heavy hitter after heavy hitter, impressed members of the Dreeshen household confirmed Friday that the roster for their mom’s upcoming dinner party was absolutely stacked.

Bold Intern Giving Parents Tour Of Office

CHICAGO—Brazenly strolling through the rows of desks while pointing out the firm’s various departments to his two guests, Lodestone Media intern Nate Kapper, 19, made the incredibly bold move of giving his parents a tour of the company’s offices Wednesday, sources reported.

Beautiful Spring Day No Match For Last 35 Years Of Man’s Life

LITTLE ROCK, AR—Nullified almost immediately by the collective force of decades’ worth of resentment and disappointment, a bright and beautiful spring day was said to be no match for the past 35 years of local man Thomas Unger’s life, sources confirmed Tuesday.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Satisfaction

Purple Neon Light Around License Plate Lures Potential Mate

MARSHFIELD, WI–A purple neon light bordering the license plate of Marshfield 20-year-old Doug Hoechst helped him lure a potential mate Saturday.

The illuminated, female-attracting license plate frame.

The stylish, luminescent automotive accessory, which Hoechst affixed to the rear of his 1990 Pontiac Firebird Formula in July, attracted the attention of fellow motorist Michelle Kopecke, 19, ultimately leading to the exchange of pager numbers.

"I was cruising up and down The Strip when I noticed this chick checking me out," said Hoechst, an oil-change specialist with Kwik-Lube in Marshfield. "We started to tailgate each other and race a little bit–nothing too serious. But then, when we were both stopped at the intersection by the Country Kitchen, she rolled down her window and yelled, 'Where'd you get that rad purple light?' Within an hour, I had digits. The glowing neon had done its job."

Kopecke, a Spencer native who had traveled nine miles to neighboring Marshfield in order to "find something to do" Saturday, was accompanied by fellow Spencer High School graduates Amanda Rutt and Christine Combs. The group had been circling the mile-long stretch of Central Avenue between the Rainbow Foods near the water tower and Lutz Funeral Home for nearly two hours before Kopecke spotted the neon light.

"When I saw that glowing license-plate frame, it was clear that this was someone cool enough to be a potential sexual partner," Kopecke said. "I was determined to meet the owner of that neon frame."

Once initial contact was made, Kopecke tailed Hoechst in her parents' 1988 Buick LeSabre for nearly 20 minutes, flashing her headlights and honking several times to indicate her interest. As an additional sign of her attraction, Kopecke instructed Combs, seated in the passenger seat, to throw a paper cup at Hoechst's car as he passed.

After an extended period of intermittent lane-changing and banter at stoplights, Hoechst and Kopecke took their courtship ritual to the next phase, pulling their respective cars into a Hardee's parking lot.

"Michelle said to me, 'Yeah, I'm still wondering where you got that neon light. It's pretty fucking cool.' I said thanks and told her where I bought it," Hoechst said. "We talked for a while more until the Hardee's manager told us we had to leave the parking lot if we weren't going to eat there. So I got Michelle's number and split. "

Added Hoechst: "I'm definitely going to call her in a few days. I don't usually go for Spencer girls, but she's pretty hot."

Hoechst explained that the purple neon light functions as a "sexual magnet," distinguishing him from other rival males in the eyes of women.

"Let's face it," Hoechst said, "I'm not the only desirable guy around here with an acid-washed denim jacket, bi-level hairstyle, 8- to 15-year-old American sports car and summer job at the feed mill. For chicks to see that I'm special, I've got to have the little extras."

The plate frame, purchased at a Marshfield-area Champion Auto Supply, is just one of the many upgrades Hoechst has made to his car to help him stand out among a crowded field of local males. He recently added a larger rear-end spoiler to his car, as well as a three-foot-wide rear-window decal bearing the slogan "Fear This" rendered in intimidatingly jagged type. Hoechst also recently filed an application with the Wisconsin Department of Transportation for vanity plates reading, "2FAST4U."

Said Hoechst: "It's the extra details, like a car horn that plays the Star Spangled Banner, a flamed-out paint job, or a shag-carpeted, Playboy-logo-embossed steering-wheel cover, that separate the guys who only get to second base from the ones who get all the way to third."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close