Purple Neon Light Around License Plate Lures Potential Mate

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Vol 34 Issue 13

Fox News Channel Adds Laugh Track

LOS ANGELES–Seeking to distinguish itself in the highly competitive arena of TV news, Fox News Channel added a laugh track to its broadcast Monday. "We found that viewers responded better to footage of flood-ravaged Texans and the mutilated bodies of ethnic Albanians when accompanied by canned laughter," network president Allen Rudd said. "This really seems to help viewers better digest and enjoy the oft-difficult content." Depending on the success of the experiment, titillating whoops and "whoahs" will be added to stories concerning the Clinton-Lewinsky scandal.

Scott Bakula Turns 43, Newspaper Reports

JACKSONVILLE, FL–According to a report in Monday's Jacksonville Times-Union, former Quantum Leap star Scott Bakula has turned 43. "Scott Bakula.... 43" read the report, which appeared in the newspaper's "Lifestyle" section. The story went on to note that Lou Rawls, Penny Marshall, Kate Jackson and Bruce Jenner also had birthdays Monday. Times-Union editor Pat Krause refused to reveal his newspaper's source for the story.

Area Units Really Moving

GALVESTON, TX–Units are really moving at ABC Appliance Warehouse, assistant manager Ralph Hutchins reported Tuesday. "We moved about 300 units today, with almost 75 units moving between 9 and 10 a.m. alone," Hutchins said. "That's a hell of a lot of units to move off the shelves in just one day." If demand for units continues at its current pace, Hutchins said they might have to go on back-order. "We've had to limit people to one unit a piece as it is," he said.

Local Gym Teacher Loves Forcing Children To Dance

HUTCHINSON, KS–Coach Milt Brundage, physical-education teacher at Hutchinson Middle School, derives pleasure from forcing pre-adolescents to dance on command, it was revealed Monday. "Oh, to make the children dance," the 58-year-old Brundage said. "To play 'Alley Cat' for hours on end, sternly admonishing those who fall behind so that they must speed themselves, it is my greatest joy in life." Brundage has warned students in his second-period gym class that he will extend their social-dance unit another two weeks if they do not begin to show an acceptable level of enthusiasm. "Dance! Dance for my amusement!" he told the gawky, forlorn seventh-graders.

Starr Taunts Clinton With Humiliating 'Sittin' In A Tree' Song

WASHINGTON, DC–In his latest salvo against the president, Special Prosecutor Kenneth Starr publicly taunted Bill Clinton Tuesday with the humiliating "sittin' in a tree" song. "Bill and Monica / Sittin' in a tree / K-I-S-S-I-N-G," Starr sang to reporters at a Washington Hilton press conference. "First comes love / Then comes marriage / Then comes Bill with the baby carriage." Upon completion of the song's first verse, Starr abruptly ended the press conference. Spokespersons for Starr said he has not ruled out the possibility of singing the "wetting his pants / hula-hula dance" verse–widely considered the most devastating of the entire song–at a later date.

Hollywood Eating Disorders

Helen Hunt, Courteney Cox and Ally McBeal's Calista Flockhart are among a wave of actresses recently rumored to have eating disorders. What do you think about extreme thinness in Hollywood?

Why Do All These Homosexuals Keep Sucking My Cock?

Look, I'm not a hateful person or anything–I believe we should all live and let live. But lately, I've been having a real problem with these homosexuals. You see, just about wherever I go these days, one of them approaches me and starts sucking my cock.

Horoscope for the week of October 28, 1998

Though you are a vindictive, cruel, petty, miserable son of a bitch, you will be rewarded with great happiness and good fortune in the next week. This is just how the universe works.
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Comedy

Purple Neon Light Around License Plate Lures Potential Mate

MARSHFIELD, WI–A purple neon light bordering the license plate of Marshfield 20-year-old Doug Hoechst helped him lure a potential mate Saturday.

The illuminated, female-attracting license plate frame.

The stylish, luminescent automotive accessory, which Hoechst affixed to the rear of his 1990 Pontiac Firebird Formula in July, attracted the attention of fellow motorist Michelle Kopecke, 19, ultimately leading to the exchange of pager numbers.

"I was cruising up and down The Strip when I noticed this chick checking me out," said Hoechst, an oil-change specialist with Kwik-Lube in Marshfield. "We started to tailgate each other and race a little bit–nothing too serious. But then, when we were both stopped at the intersection by the Country Kitchen, she rolled down her window and yelled, 'Where'd you get that rad purple light?' Within an hour, I had digits. The glowing neon had done its job."

Kopecke, a Spencer native who had traveled nine miles to neighboring Marshfield in order to "find something to do" Saturday, was accompanied by fellow Spencer High School graduates Amanda Rutt and Christine Combs. The group had been circling the mile-long stretch of Central Avenue between the Rainbow Foods near the water tower and Lutz Funeral Home for nearly two hours before Kopecke spotted the neon light.

"When I saw that glowing license-plate frame, it was clear that this was someone cool enough to be a potential sexual partner," Kopecke said. "I was determined to meet the owner of that neon frame."

Once initial contact was made, Kopecke tailed Hoechst in her parents' 1988 Buick LeSabre for nearly 20 minutes, flashing her headlights and honking several times to indicate her interest. As an additional sign of her attraction, Kopecke instructed Combs, seated in the passenger seat, to throw a paper cup at Hoechst's car as he passed.

After an extended period of intermittent lane-changing and banter at stoplights, Hoechst and Kopecke took their courtship ritual to the next phase, pulling their respective cars into a Hardee's parking lot.

"Michelle said to me, 'Yeah, I'm still wondering where you got that neon light. It's pretty fucking cool.' I said thanks and told her where I bought it," Hoechst said. "We talked for a while more until the Hardee's manager told us we had to leave the parking lot if we weren't going to eat there. So I got Michelle's number and split. "

Added Hoechst: "I'm definitely going to call her in a few days. I don't usually go for Spencer girls, but she's pretty hot."

Hoechst explained that the purple neon light functions as a "sexual magnet," distinguishing him from other rival males in the eyes of women.

"Let's face it," Hoechst said, "I'm not the only desirable guy around here with an acid-washed denim jacket, bi-level hairstyle, 8- to 15-year-old American sports car and summer job at the feed mill. For chicks to see that I'm special, I've got to have the little extras."

The plate frame, purchased at a Marshfield-area Champion Auto Supply, is just one of the many upgrades Hoechst has made to his car to help him stand out among a crowded field of local males. He recently added a larger rear-end spoiler to his car, as well as a three-foot-wide rear-window decal bearing the slogan "Fear This" rendered in intimidatingly jagged type. Hoechst also recently filed an application with the Wisconsin Department of Transportation for vanity plates reading, "2FAST4U."

Said Hoechst: "It's the extra details, like a car horn that plays the Star Spangled Banner, a flamed-out paint job, or a shag-carpeted, Playboy-logo-embossed steering-wheel cover, that separate the guys who only get to second base from the ones who get all the way to third."

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