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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Pursued Drunk Driver Crafts Brilliant 'Don't Stop' Plan

TUPELO, MS—Law-enforcement officials and tactical analysts alike are applauding the creativity of drunk driver Leon Frisch, who responded to pursuing police Saturday with a brilliant "don't stop" plan. "I was drunk, and I knew I would be in trouble if I got caught in such a state," Frisch said, "so I settled on a plan of not stopping." Sgt. Robert Love, one of the pursuing officers, described himself as "utterly bamboozled" by Frisch's unorthodox stratagem. "I had no idea how to respond to this inspired ruse," Love said. "I stand in awe of his ingenuity."

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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