Putting Ice Cream In Bowl Momentarily Considered

Top Headlines

Recent News

Tips For Traveling With Young Children

Family vacations can be a time for bonding and building lasting memories, but when young children are involved, trips can also be stressful to plan and execute. Here are The Onion’s tips for traveling with kids

What It Costs To Host The Olympic Games

Boston announced this week it will pull its bid for the 2024 Olympics, due in part to the huge costs associated with the games that could become a taxpayer burden. Here is a breakdown of what the Olympics cost their host cities

Resolute Congress Passes Second Amendment Again

WASHINGTON—Easily securing the requisite two-thirds majorities in the House and Senate, a resolute United States Congress responded to the ongoing national debate on gun rights Tuesday by passing the Second Amendment again.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Fantasy Sports

FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

House and Home

  • Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

    YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Putting Ice Cream In Bowl Momentarily Considered

BLOOMINGDALE, NJ—While standing in his kitchen Thursday, 36-year-old Michael Morse briefly flirted with the idea of scooping ice cream from its carton into a bowl prior to eating it, an action ultimately rejected as unnecessary after calculating the precious seconds that would be squandered in the effort, household sources reported. “After evaluating the logistics at play, it quickly became apparent that transporting the ice cream in a straight line from the carton to my face was the quickest and most efficient process,” said Morse, who contended that an intermediate vessel was not only needless, but also a liability in terms of rapid ice cream consumption. “This is double fudge ice cream we’re talking about here, so transferring it to my mouth, and ultimately my belly, as expeditiously as possible was my chief concern; thus, a bowl was summarily ruled out. Mmm! Oh, God, this is good.” At press time, Morse looked down at his spoon and momentarily considered cutting down the process even further by forgoing the utensil altogether before ultimately deciding against it.