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What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

A Timeline Of Aviation History

This Saturday marks 90 years since aviator Charles Lindbergh made his historic first nonstop solo transatlantic flight from New York to Paris aboard the Spirit Of St. Louis. The Onion takes a look back at the most important milestones in the history of aviation.

Zales Introduces New Line Of Casual Dating Diamond Rings

IRVING, TX—In a move aimed at reaching the millions of Americans just having a little fun for now, jewelry retailer Zales announced Thursday that it has expanded its product line to include a brand-new collection of diamond casual dating rings.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.
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Putting Ice Cream In Bowl Momentarily Considered

BLOOMINGDALE, NJ—While standing in his kitchen Thursday, 36-year-old Michael Morse briefly flirted with the idea of scooping ice cream from its carton into a bowl prior to eating it, an action ultimately rejected as unnecessary after calculating the precious seconds that would be squandered in the effort, household sources reported. “After evaluating the logistics at play, it quickly became apparent that transporting the ice cream in a straight line from the carton to my face was the quickest and most efficient process,” said Morse, who contended that an intermediate vessel was not only needless, but also a liability in terms of rapid ice cream consumption. “This is double fudge ice cream we’re talking about here, so transferring it to my mouth, and ultimately my belly, as expeditiously as possible was my chief concern; thus, a bowl was summarily ruled out. Mmm! Oh, God, this is good.” At press time, Morse looked down at his spoon and momentarily considered cutting down the process even further by forgoing the utensil altogether before ultimately deciding against it.

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Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

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