Putting Ice Cream In Bowl Momentarily Considered

Top Headlines

Recent News

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Putting Ice Cream In Bowl Momentarily Considered

BLOOMINGDALE, NJ—While standing in his kitchen Thursday, 36-year-old Michael Morse briefly flirted with the idea of scooping ice cream from its carton into a bowl prior to eating it, an action ultimately rejected as unnecessary after calculating the precious seconds that would be squandered in the effort, household sources reported. “After evaluating the logistics at play, it quickly became apparent that transporting the ice cream in a straight line from the carton to my face was the quickest and most efficient process,” said Morse, who contended that an intermediate vessel was not only needless, but also a liability in terms of rapid ice cream consumption. “This is double fudge ice cream we’re talking about here, so transferring it to my mouth, and ultimately my belly, as expeditiously as possible was my chief concern; thus, a bowl was summarily ruled out. Mmm! Oh, God, this is good.” At press time, Morse looked down at his spoon and momentarily considered cutting down the process even further by forgoing the utensil altogether before ultimately deciding against it.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close