adBlockCheck

Qaddafi Asks Closest Advisers If They Think He's A Bad Person

Top Headlines

International

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.

World Makes Final Attempt To Try To Understand This Shit

BRUSSELS—In the wake of the terrorist attacks in Brussels that left over 30 dead and more than 100 injured, an angry and frustrated global populace collectively announced Tuesday that it would make one last attempt to try to understand this shit.

A Timeline Of U.S.–Cuba Relations

As President Obama visits Cuba in an effort to restore diplomatic ties with the U.S., The Onion looks at pivotal moments in the tension-filled history of U.S.–Cuba relations.

Vatican City Residents Rally To Save St. Peter’s Basilica From Development

VATICAN CITY—Citing its historical significance and the valuable role it plays in the community, residents of Vatican City rallied this week to save St. Peter’s Basilica from being demolished as part of a development project that would convert the site into an expansive residential and retail complex, sources reported.

Saudi Authorities Decry Wasteful 3-Hour Death-Row Appeals Process

RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—Criticizing the amount of time and money wasted between a condemned individual’s sentencing and eventual execution, Saudi government officials expressed frustration Monday over the country’s costly three-hour appeals process for convicts facing the death penalty.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Qaddafi Asks Closest Advisers If They Think He's A Bad Person

TRIPOLI—In the midst of widespread unrest, Libyan president Muammar Qaddafi convened his closest advisers Tuesday and asked them to be totally honest about whether they thought his brutal crackdown against his own people made him a bad person. "When he closed the door, he said that if ordering air strikes against fellow Libyans, allowing the repeated sexual assault of female prisoners, and conducting public executions against political dissenters made him sort of an awful human being, then we should just tell him," adviser Atia Mahmoud said. "We all assured him that he wasn't a complete monster and that he was doing the right thing. I mean, we were all pretty worried we'd be shot in front of our families if we said otherwise." Satisfied by the response, Qaddafi ordered bulldozers to flatten every building in the rebel-held city of Benghazi, as well as any inhabitants that got in the way.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close