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Qaddafi Asks Closest Advisers If They Think He's A Bad Person

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‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

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National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

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Qaddafi Asks Closest Advisers If They Think He's A Bad Person

TRIPOLI—In the midst of widespread unrest, Libyan president Muammar Qaddafi convened his closest advisers Tuesday and asked them to be totally honest about whether they thought his brutal crackdown against his own people made him a bad person. "When he closed the door, he said that if ordering air strikes against fellow Libyans, allowing the repeated sexual assault of female prisoners, and conducting public executions against political dissenters made him sort of an awful human being, then we should just tell him," adviser Atia Mahmoud said. "We all assured him that he wasn't a complete monster and that he was doing the right thing. I mean, we were all pretty worried we'd be shot in front of our families if we said otherwise." Satisfied by the response, Qaddafi ordered bulldozers to flatten every building in the rebel-held city of Benghazi, as well as any inhabitants that got in the way.

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