Quaaludes Are Back, Reports Quaalude-Taking Journalist

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Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar

TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.

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Quaaludes Are Back, Reports Quaalude-Taking Journalist

CHICAGO—The illegal use of Methaqualone is on the rise, Quaalude-addicted AP reporter Keith Jannings said Monday. "Quaaludes fell largely out of sight after the highly addictive sedatives were taken off the market in the '80s," said Jannings, a thread of drool hanging from his lower lip. "But my research shows that recreational use of this dangerous drug is rebounding, especially among the professional class." To demonstrate, Jannings downed three Canadian quails he'd scored from a dealer just hours earlier.

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