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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Quaker Oats Assembly-Line Worker Fired For 'Oops! All Berries' Incident

DE KALB, IL—Richard Karl, a 47-year-old assembly-line worker at Quaker Oats' Cap'n Crunch With Crunchberries plant in De Kalb, was fired Monday following an "Oops! All Berries" mishap." "This cereal is supposed to have a yellow-piece-to-Crunchberry ratio of 4:1," Quaker spokeswoman Melissa Dyer said. "But Mr. Karl failed to pull the lever that sends the yellow bits down the chute into the big funnel, so there aren't any in Monday's entire batch of cereal. It's all Crunchberries." Added Dyer: "What are we going to do with all these boxes of pure Crunchberries? You'd have to really love Crunchberries to want to eat these."

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