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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:
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Quaker Oats Canister Relabeled 'DRUGS' For Grade School Play

ABINGDON, MD—In order to dispel any confusion regarding the contents of a 42-ounce Quaker Oats canister used in the play Drugs Stink!, Orchard Elementary School students wrapped the tin cylinder in red construction paper and wrote "DRUGS" on it in large block letters, sources reported Tuesday. "Here, try some of my drugs," said third-grader Beth Carlisle, who, ensuring her grip did not obscure the canister's sinister label, spilled some imaginary narcotics into the palm of fellow cast member Samantha Drake. "They'll make you feel real good, heh, heh, heh." According to witnesses, the canister was later discovered by a school janitor, who determined it would make an ideal container for storing his weed.

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