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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
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Quaker Oats Canister Relabeled 'DRUGS' For Grade School Play

ABINGDON, MD—In order to dispel any confusion regarding the contents of a 42-ounce Quaker Oats canister used in the play Drugs Stink!, Orchard Elementary School students wrapped the tin cylinder in red construction paper and wrote "DRUGS" on it in large block letters, sources reported Tuesday. "Here, try some of my drugs," said third-grader Beth Carlisle, who, ensuring her grip did not obscure the canister's sinister label, spilled some imaginary narcotics into the palm of fellow cast member Samantha Drake. "They'll make you feel real good, heh, heh, heh." According to witnesses, the canister was later discovered by a school janitor, who determined it would make an ideal container for storing his weed.

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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

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