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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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Quaker Scientists Formulate World's Oldest-Fashioned Oatmeal

CHICAGO—Calling it a banner day for breakfast science, a team of Quaker researchers announced Wednesday that they've unlocked the oatmeal genome, and can now successfully produce the world's oldest-fashioned oatmeal. "For 15 years, recreating the earliest form of oatmeal has been the Quaker research facility's sole mission," lead scientist Dr. Anders Cook told reporters, adding that his 12-man team, in conjunction with the archaeology department at Johns Hopkins University, had to simulate the soil and climate conditions of the Middle Paleolithic Era to achieve the most primitive form of the breakfast food. "And we've done it. After collecting the DNA of some petrified oats discovered in what is now considered modern day South Africa, we spliced new genes and attached the 40,000-year-old cells to de-husked oat grains; then just harvested, added hot water, and stirred." When asked how the crowning achievement in oatmeal science tasted, all researchers agreed that it "pretty much tastes like shit. I mean, it's oatmeal."

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