adBlockCheck

Recent News

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
End Of Section
  • More News

Quaker Scientists Formulate World's Oldest-Fashioned Oatmeal

CHICAGO—Calling it a banner day for breakfast science, a team of Quaker researchers announced Wednesday that they've unlocked the oatmeal genome, and can now successfully produce the world's oldest-fashioned oatmeal. "For 15 years, recreating the earliest form of oatmeal has been the Quaker research facility's sole mission," lead scientist Dr. Anders Cook told reporters, adding that his 12-man team, in conjunction with the archaeology department at Johns Hopkins University, had to simulate the soil and climate conditions of the Middle Paleolithic Era to achieve the most primitive form of the breakfast food. "And we've done it. After collecting the DNA of some petrified oats discovered in what is now considered modern day South Africa, we spliced new genes and attached the 40,000-year-old cells to de-husked oat grains; then just harvested, added hot water, and stirred." When asked how the crowning achievement in oatmeal science tasted, all researchers agreed that it "pretty much tastes like shit. I mean, it's oatmeal."

More from this section

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close