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Man Doesn't Even Do Good Job At Sleeping

Along with his consistently poor performance at work and his general lack of common, everyday life skills, local man Corey White told reporters Thursday that he can't even do a good job at sleeping.

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Quarterback Has Normal, Healthy Son

NEW YORK—New York Jets quarterback Chad Pennington, whose torn rotator cuff has sidelined him for the remainder of the 2005 season, still has that rarest of qualities for a quarterback: a normal, healthy son. "My boy Cole is a perfectly healthy, mentally stable child," Pennington said while watching 20-month-old Cole run around the yard and play with a football like any other toddler. "You see, unlike most sons of quarterbacks, Cole is completely free of multiple sclerosis, autism, leukemia, epilepsy, cancer, or cystic fibrosis. The doctors tell us it's a miracle." The Cole Pennington Foundation, which Chad and his wife Robin founded in their son's name in 2004, has raised over $2 million for the sons of Boomer Esiason, Dan Marino, Doug Flutie, Mark Rypien, Vinny Testaverde, and countless other less fortunate sons of NFL quarterbacks.

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