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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
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Quarterback Playing Well Enough For Commentator To Mention His Favorite Sandwich

CLEVELAND—Baltimore Ravens quarterback Joe Flacco's commanding performance against the porous Browns defense Sunday provided commentators with an opportunity during the game's third quarter to discuss the signal caller's love for his favorite sandwich. "The Quiznos toasted Prime Rib and Peppercorn sub is absolutely his favorite sandwich, all right. It may be his favorite thing to have for lunch, period," announcer Don Criqui said as Flacco preserved the Ravens' 24-17 lead by completing a meaningless four-yard out. "He eats them all the time. Says he loves the sautéed onions. Buys them for all the linemen, too, after a good practice." Flacco finished the game with 22 completions on 31 attempts for 262 yards, three touchdowns, no interceptions, three comparisons of his musical tastes with his style of play, and two mentions of how a young Flacco led his high school baseball team to the New Jersey state title.

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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