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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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Queen Elizabeth Annoyed Nude Pictures Of Prince Harry Don't Show Anything Good

LONDON—Expressing her annoyance after nude photographs of her grandson Prince Harry of Wales surfaced on Hollywood celebrity website TMZ this week, Queen Elizabeth II announced today that she is highly disappointed the grainy shots don’t show anything good. “In one [photo] he’s basically just bending over this girl, and all you can see is his ass crack,” the British monarch said at a news conference outside Buckingham Palace, noting that she spent two hours yesterday searching for uncensored versions of the images online. “In the other one he’s cupping his dick to the point where you can’t even see any pubes. It was barely enough to get me wet.” At press time, sources reported that while she was initially underwhelmed by the photos, the queen had since taken another look and experienced her first orgasm in decades.

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