Queen Elizabeth II Announces She's Pregnant Again

In This Section

After Birth

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Kids Love When Mom Sad Enough To Just Order Pizza

FORT WORTH, TX—Saying they get their hopes up anytime they notice her looking particularly downhearted, siblings Paulo and Marisa Hernandez told reporters Wednesday they love it when their mother is sad enough to just order pizza.

Baby-Naming Tips For New Moms

Mothershould’s Grace Manning-Devlin breaks down some of the hottest baby names of the year, such as Cooper, Tanner, Milkman, and Serf.

Pros And Cons Of Standardized Testing

As the American education system continues to place more emphasis on standardized testing to measure academic achievement, critics have argued that it can be more harmful than helpful to students’ development in the long run. Here are some of the pros and cons of standardized testing:

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Blog Post Read By Mother To Shape Child’s Next 18 Years

PAOLI, PA—Poised to inform future parenting decisions on medical care, dietary restrictions, and everyday well-being, the blog post “Fluoride Drops For Kids—Good Idea?” which was read by local mother Laurie Miller earlier today, will reportedly shape the next 18 years of her young child’s life.

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Pros And Cons Of Screen Time For Kids

As technology becomes more of a staple in everyday family life, parents are making choices about how much screen time to allow their children—and asking questions about how computers, phones, and TVs might help or hinder a child’s development.

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Kids Teary-Eyed After Helping Dad Move Into First Apartment

BOWLING GREEN, OH—With their father marking the start of an important new phase in his life, the children of local man Barry Hunt told reporters they got a bit teary-eyed after helping the 49-year-old move into his first apartment Thursday. Teenager...

Supreme Court Gathers To Watch Baby Justices Hatch

WASHINGTON—Crowding around a small glass incubator in their personal chambers for a better vantage point, all nine members of the U.S. Supreme Court reportedly gathered Tuesday to watch a brood of baby justices hatch from their eggs.

Allowance To Teach Child Importance Of Parental Dependence

MUNCIE, IN—Saying that they wanted to instill lifelong financial habits in their young son, the parents of 9-year-old Jeremy Lambert explained to reporters Monday that they give him a weekly $10 allowance to teach him the importance of parental depe...

Sesame Street’s 45th Anniversary: A Look Back

Sesame Street, the long-running PBS children’s television show starring a cast of Jim Henson muppets who teach children basic learning concepts and introduce them to difficult issues, turns 45 this week.

The Pros And Cons Of Freezing Your Eggs

As more women choose to pursue professional, educational, or personal goals before starting a family later in life, many consider freezing their eggs as a way of prolonging their fertility.

Homeless Child Apparently Unaware He Lives In Nanny State

NEW YORK—Considering how these days the government in this country coddles its citizens from the cradle to the grave, an 11-year-old boy currently homeless on the streets of New York must be unaware he lives in a nanny state, reports confirmed this ...

The Cost Of Raising A Child

According to a new report by the USDA, the cost of raising a child until age 18 now exceeds $245,000, after which many parents will also have to foot the bill for college.

Area Mom Raving About Phoenix Airport

AURORA, IL—Noting its impressive collection of shops, restaurants, and transit options during a phone call with her daughter, local mother Carol Wingfield expressed her admiration for Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport in the strongest terms, ...

Hands-Off Mom Lets Kids Create Own Psychological Issues

BOLTON, VT—Saying it’s important for parents to avoid simply passing their own neuroses on to their children, area mother Tricia Eakins told reporters Monday she believes in taking a hands-off approach and letting her kids develop their own ps...

Teacher Picks Wrong Student To Believe In Every Fucking Year

ROUND ROCK, TX—Frustrated at her repeated inability to steer a struggling young person in the right direction, McClintock High School English teacher Jan Broderic said Tuesday that she picks the wrong student to believe in every fucking year. Broder...

Grasshopper Dismembered By Future Supreme Court Justice

CASTLE ROCK, CO—Nearly 45 years before he is to be appointed to the Supreme Court by the 51st president of the United States, Lucas Bevins, 8, reportedly spent Thursday afternoon ripping the legs and antennae off of a grasshopper he found in his bac...
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Innovation

Originality

Queen Elizabeth II Announces She's Pregnant Again

LONDON—Citizens from Northumberland to Hampshire are buzzing with excitement as Queen Elizabeth II, 82, formally announced that she is expecting the arrival of another baby, just 532 months after giving birth to Prince Edward, Earl of Wessex.

The glowing expectant mother and her husband of 61 years.

The British monarch and her consort, Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh, 87, confirmed rumors Tuesday that the queen recently entered her second trimester, and that a little Baron or Baroness of Renfrew is on the way. England's royal couple, who were married in 1947, said they were "absolutely delighted" to be having their first child in more than four decades.

"I'm so thrilled to be pregnant again," said Queen Elizabeth II, who gave birth to her first son shortly after Great Britain granted India its independence. "Prince Philip and I have wanted this for many, many years. The entire United Kingdom has been blessed by this tiny little miracle."

The queen, modeling her maternity robe of state and pulling it tightly around her waist to show off the slight bulge of the fetus growing inside her, claimed that she initially wore loose- fitting ceremonial gowns to hide her expanding belly and swollen breasts from the public.

Ultrasound was still a promising new technology when the queen had her last child.

This past weekend, Queen Elizabeth invited her four middle-aged children to Windsor Castle to privately inform them that they were going to have a younger brother or sister. The glowing octogenarian, whose eyes sparkled through her cataracts, said she repeatedly assured her 59-year-old son, Prince Charles, that he was still special and that the baby would not replace him as the heir apparent to the crown.

Her Majesty then met with her eight grandchildren and explained that she would need them to be extra-helpful around the palace when their little aunt or uncle was born.

"The looks on their faces when I told them I could feel the baby kicking were simply priceless," said the radiant queen, who reportedly invited her grandchildren to feel her stomach. All politely declined.

In preparation for the new addition to the royal family, Queen Elizabeth has instructed her staff to convert the State Room of Buckingham Palace into a nursery, retrieved her old breast pump from the basement of Windsor Castle, and assembled a baby throne. The queen also located an old journal containing a list of her favorite baby names, which she wrote down just six weeks before Britain entered World War II.

"I believe if I have a girl, I shall give her a pretty name such as Amberjill, Erline, or Cleva," Queen Elizabeth said. "However, if it is a boy, he will be both child of and father to all Britons and therefore will need a dignified name such as Blaxton, Dalbert, Arkwright, or Egerton."

Although nearly half a century has passed since the queen gave birth to her youngest son, she has insisted that she will raise her new baby using traditional child-rearing methods, including breastfeeding and administering a daily decoction of sarsaparilla for whooping cough. Immediately after birth, the newborn will be expected to oversee the counties of Cornwall and Wiltshire, as well as appoint the next Archbishop of Canterbury.

Many British elite, including Margaret Thatcher and Prime Minister Gordon Brown, offered their congratulations to the queen, saying they were "extremely happy" and "somewhat surprised" to hear the news. Some citizens could barely put their excitement into words.

"Oh my God," Manchester native Dominick Martin said. "When did this happen?"

While no announcements have been made regarding a baby shower, the queen will travel to each of her realms outside the United Kingdom over the next two months to allow her subjects a chance to celebrate her unborn child with colorful floats and processions. Upon returning home, Queen Elizabeth is scheduled to tour the English countryside, host a concert in which guitarist Brian May plays "Rock-A-Bye Baby" on the roof of Buckingham Palace, and suffer a massive stroke.

In other royal news, recently hired Windsor Castle gardener Diego Marquez, 24, was unexpectedly elevated to Duke of Leinster during a private ceremony Monday.

Next Story

After Birth Video