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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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Queen Elizabeth II To Wed Longtime Partner Following Passage Of Gay Marriage Bill

LONDON—Following the House of Commons’ passage Tuesday of a bill that paves the way for same-sex marriage in Britain, Queen Elizabeth II publicly announced her plans to marry her longtime partner, 63-year-old Denise Whitelock, as soon as the law goes into effect. “After more than 30 years of sharing a committed and loving partnership, I am absolutely thrilled that Denise and I are finally able to seal our union in marriage,” said the reigning British monarch in a press release, speaking on behalf of her partner, a retired dog breeder, with whom she lives part-time in a Kensington Garden flat. “Marriage is something we’ve both wanted for a very long time, but never had an opportunity to pursue because of the unequal and antiquated marriage laws of this country. We’re delighted that the government finally took this important step forward, and we couldn’t be happier to announce our official engagement.” The Queen also informed members of the press that, as this was her second marriage, she and Denise had decided to hold a low-key ceremony with close friends and family.

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