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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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Queen Elizabeth II To Wed Longtime Partner Following Passage Of Gay Marriage Bill

LONDON—Following the House of Commons’ passage Tuesday of a bill that paves the way for same-sex marriage in Britain, Queen Elizabeth II publicly announced her plans to marry her longtime partner, 63-year-old Denise Whitelock, as soon as the law goes into effect. “After more than 30 years of sharing a committed and loving partnership, I am absolutely thrilled that Denise and I are finally able to seal our union in marriage,” said the reigning British monarch in a press release, speaking on behalf of her partner, a retired dog breeder, with whom she lives part-time in a Kensington Garden flat. “Marriage is something we’ve both wanted for a very long time, but never had an opportunity to pursue because of the unequal and antiquated marriage laws of this country. We’re delighted that the government finally took this important step forward, and we couldn’t be happier to announce our official engagement.” The Queen also informed members of the press that, as this was her second marriage, she and Denise had decided to hold a low-key ceremony with close friends and family.

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