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Google Unveils New Larry Page–Driven Car

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—Touting the project as its most advanced foray yet into the realm of personal transportation, Google unveiled its new Larry Page–driven car at a press event Wednesday.

Trump Outlines Bold Vision For Nation’s Next Mass Protests

WASHINGTON—Stirring the emotions of citizens across the nation with his strong and affecting rhetoric, President Donald Trump outlined a bold vision for the country’s next mass protests during his address to a joint session of Congress Tuesday night.

What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.
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Queen Elizabeth II To Wed Longtime Partner Following Passage Of Gay Marriage Bill

LONDON—Following the House of Commons’ passage Tuesday of a bill that paves the way for same-sex marriage in Britain, Queen Elizabeth II publicly announced her plans to marry her longtime partner, 63-year-old Denise Whitelock, as soon as the law goes into effect. “After more than 30 years of sharing a committed and loving partnership, I am absolutely thrilled that Denise and I are finally able to seal our union in marriage,” said the reigning British monarch in a press release, speaking on behalf of her partner, a retired dog breeder, with whom she lives part-time in a Kensington Garden flat. “Marriage is something we’ve both wanted for a very long time, but never had an opportunity to pursue because of the unequal and antiquated marriage laws of this country. We’re delighted that the government finally took this important step forward, and we couldn’t be happier to announce our official engagement.” The Queen also informed members of the press that, as this was her second marriage, she and Denise had decided to hold a low-key ceremony with close friends and family.

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Trump Outlines Bold Vision For Nation’s Next Mass Protests

WASHINGTON—Stirring the emotions of citizens across the nation with his strong and affecting rhetoric, President Donald Trump outlined a bold vision for the country’s next mass protests during his address to a joint session of Congress Tuesday night.

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