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Nobel Committee Awards Self Peace Prize For Once

‘Sometimes You Just Need To Treat Yourself,’ Sources Say

OSLO, NORWAY—Saying there was nothing wrong with treating yourself for a change, the Norwegian Nobel Committee announced Friday that it was awarding the 2017 Nobel Peace Prize to itself for once.

The Life Of Diana, Princess Of Wales

Today marks 20 years since the funeral of Princess Diana, known to many as the “people’s princess.” The Onion looks back at the life of Princess Diana before it was cut tragically short.

Study: Other Countries Weird

BOSTON—Examining a wide variety of cross-cultural data, a Boston University study released Monday determined that other countries are weird.

Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.
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Queen Elizabeth Screaming At Stockbroker To Dump Everything

LONDON—Following the United Kingdom’s historic vote to exit the European Union, sources confirmed that Queen Elizabeth II spent Friday frantically screaming at her stockbroker to dump everything. “Just get rid of whatever we have—right now, goddammit!” said Her Royal Highness, who reportedly slammed her fist against a 16th-century desk while shouting at her broker over the phone. “There’s no time, so dump the whole fucking portfolio—all of it—on anybody who will take it. Just hurry the fuck up and do it!” At press time, after speaking with several financial advisors, Queen Elizabeth had gathered the rest of the Royal Family together to inform them they will have to cut back by eliminating servants and start pitching in more around Buckingham Palace.

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The Life Of Diana, Princess Of Wales

Today marks 20 years since the funeral of Princess Diana, known to many as the “people’s princess.” The Onion looks back at the life of Princess Diana before it was cut tragically short.

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