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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Quick-Lube Shop Masters Electronic Record Keeping Six Years Before Medical Industry

KETTERING, OH—A comprehensive digital cataloging system that keeps track of its customers' car maintenance history, oil-change needs, and past fuel-filter replacements puts Karl's Lube & Go's computerized record- keeping an estimated six years ahead of the medical industry's, sources confirmed Friday. "We figured that a basic database would help us with everything from scheduling regular appointments to predicting future lubrication requirements," said the proprietor of the local oil-change shop, Karl Lemke, who has no special logistical or programming skills, and who described his organizational methods, which are far more advanced than those of any hospital emergency room, as "basic, common-sense stuff." "We can even contact your insurance provider for you to see if you're covered and for how much, which means we can get to work on what's wrong without bothering you about it. The system not only saves me hundreds of thousands of dollars per year, but it saves my customers a bundle, too." Lemke added that he also routinely and politely inquires about his customers' health and well-being, which puts him roughly 145 years ahead of the medical industry.

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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

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