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Quiet Guy Mistaken For Nice Guy

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Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.

Wow, Dad Really Went From Zero To 60 With Woodworking This Summer

PAGE, AZ—Expressing their astonishment as they once again heard the sound of their father using his circular saw in the garage despite his seemingly complete lack of interest in the craft prior to last month, the children of area man Sam Morgan, 52, confirmed Tuesday that, wow, their dad had really gone from zero to 60 with woodworking this summer.

Who Is Tim Kaine?

Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine

Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.
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Quiet Guy Mistaken For Nice Guy

MANCHESTER, NH—Though coworkers believe 29-year-old Kevin Bell is a kind, affable, and quiet employee, none of them are aware that he routinely launches into elaborate, animated, and sometimes violent diatribes about them when out of the office. "Kevin keeps to himself mostly, but you can tell there is a genuine warmth there," said coworker Amanda Soisson, who was unaware that Bell referred to her as a "butterface bitch" who last saw a penis "in high-school health class," while having drinks with a friend Monday night. "I asked him to get a file for me, and he didn’t complain or anything, which is refreshing around here." Bell could not be reached for comment after leaving work early to go cheat on his girlfriend of four years, who thinks he is simply too shy to admit that he loves her.

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