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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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Quiet Guy Mistaken For Nice Guy

MANCHESTER, NH—Though coworkers believe 29-year-old Kevin Bell is a kind, affable, and quiet employee, none of them are aware that he routinely launches into elaborate, animated, and sometimes violent diatribes about them when out of the office. "Kevin keeps to himself mostly, but you can tell there is a genuine warmth there," said coworker Amanda Soisson, who was unaware that Bell referred to her as a "butterface bitch" who last saw a penis "in high-school health class," while having drinks with a friend Monday night. "I asked him to get a file for me, and he didn’t complain or anything, which is refreshing around here." Bell could not be reached for comment after leaving work early to go cheat on his girlfriend of four years, who thinks he is simply too shy to admit that he loves her.

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