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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Quiet Loner Really Comes Out Of Shell At Gun Store

JACKSON, MS—Though he remains quiet and reclusive in nearly all other situations, local resident Frank Collins “really brightens up and comes into his own” when he visits Larry’s Guns & Ammo in downtown Jackson, relatives of the 22-year-old reported Tuesday. “He won’t say three words to you all day, but once he steps into that gun shop he’s like a flower blooming in spring,” said Collins’ father Paul, explaining that in the store his son will immediately start pointing around and saying “I’ll take one of those, two of those, and how much is it for 1,000 rounds of ammunition?” “He’s always full of questions about reload times, stopping power, magazine capacities—you name it. You’d never believe he was the same kid who spends all weekend indoors with his blinds drawn. Going there seems to be really healthy for him.” Gun store employees confirmed Collins suddenly grows distant and withdrawn when they take a few minutes to perform his federally mandated background check, but always perks right back up again the moment his purchase is approved.

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