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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Quiet Loner Really Comes Out Of Shell At Gun Store

JACKSON, MS—Though he remains quiet and reclusive in nearly all other situations, local resident Frank Collins “really brightens up and comes into his own” when he visits Larry’s Guns & Ammo in downtown Jackson, relatives of the 22-year-old reported Tuesday. “He won’t say three words to you all day, but once he steps into that gun shop he’s like a flower blooming in spring,” said Collins’ father Paul, explaining that in the store his son will immediately start pointing around and saying “I’ll take one of those, two of those, and how much is it for 1,000 rounds of ammunition?” “He’s always full of questions about reload times, stopping power, magazine capacities—you name it. You’d never believe he was the same kid who spends all weekend indoors with his blinds drawn. Going there seems to be really healthy for him.” Gun store employees confirmed Collins suddenly grows distant and withdrawn when they take a few minutes to perform his federally mandated background check, but always perks right back up again the moment his purchase is approved.

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