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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Quiet Loner Really Comes Out Of Shell At Gun Store

JACKSON, MS—Though he remains quiet and reclusive in nearly all other situations, local resident Frank Collins “really brightens up and comes into his own” when he visits Larry’s Guns & Ammo in downtown Jackson, relatives of the 22-year-old reported Tuesday. “He won’t say three words to you all day, but once he steps into that gun shop he’s like a flower blooming in spring,” said Collins’ father Paul, explaining that in the store his son will immediately start pointing around and saying “I’ll take one of those, two of those, and how much is it for 1,000 rounds of ammunition?” “He’s always full of questions about reload times, stopping power, magazine capacities—you name it. You’d never believe he was the same kid who spends all weekend indoors with his blinds drawn. Going there seems to be really healthy for him.” Gun store employees confirmed Collins suddenly grows distant and withdrawn when they take a few minutes to perform his federally mandated background check, but always perks right back up again the moment his purchase is approved.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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