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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Quiet Loner Really Comes Out Of Shell At Gun Store

JACKSON, MS—Though he remains quiet and reclusive in nearly all other situations, local resident Frank Collins “really brightens up and comes into his own” when he visits Larry’s Guns & Ammo in downtown Jackson, relatives of the 22-year-old reported Tuesday. “He won’t say three words to you all day, but once he steps into that gun shop he’s like a flower blooming in spring,” said Collins’ father Paul, explaining that in the store his son will immediately start pointing around and saying “I’ll take one of those, two of those, and how much is it for 1,000 rounds of ammunition?” “He’s always full of questions about reload times, stopping power, magazine capacities—you name it. You’d never believe he was the same kid who spends all weekend indoors with his blinds drawn. Going there seems to be really healthy for him.” Gun store employees confirmed Collins suddenly grows distant and withdrawn when they take a few minutes to perform his federally mandated background check, but always perks right back up again the moment his purchase is approved.

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