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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Quiet Riot Speaks Out Against Nation's Poor Metal Health Care

LOS ANGELES—In their first public appearance since breaking up three years ago, surviving members of the hard-rock band Quiet Riot reunited Friday to raise awareness of the urgent need for metal health care reform. "The state of affairs in this country is enough to make most citizens want to bang their heads—in fact, it will drive them mad," said drummer Frankie Banali, explaining that many metal health plans no longer cover rudimentary procedures such as girls rocking their boys. "Sadly, the number of people seeking the help of metal health professionals has declined by more than 99 percent since our first hit in 1983. The situation is dire." The band went on to state that former lead singer Kevin DuBrow, who died in 2007, would have wanted all Americans to have equal access to the padded cells, straitjackets, and steel face masks so urgently needed by the metally ill.

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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