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Police Find Super-Sharp Buck Knife

'It's The Kind With A Blade That Locks In Place,' Says Law Enforcement Spokesperson

Warning residents that the blade was “super deadly” and “badass,” city police officials held a press conference Wednesday to announce that they had found a really cool wooden-handled Buck-brand pocketknife on the street.

‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.
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Quiet Riot Speaks Out Against Nation's Poor Metal Health Care

LOS ANGELES—In their first public appearance since breaking up three years ago, surviving members of the hard-rock band Quiet Riot reunited Friday to raise awareness of the urgent need for metal health care reform. "The state of affairs in this country is enough to make most citizens want to bang their heads—in fact, it will drive them mad," said drummer Frankie Banali, explaining that many metal health plans no longer cover rudimentary procedures such as girls rocking their boys. "Sadly, the number of people seeking the help of metal health professionals has declined by more than 99 percent since our first hit in 1983. The situation is dire." The band went on to state that former lead singer Kevin DuBrow, who died in 2007, would have wanted all Americans to have equal access to the padded cells, straitjackets, and steel face masks so urgently needed by the metally ill.

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