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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.
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Quiet Temp Actually Very Untalented Singer-Songwriter

Coworkers say they "never would have guessed" what a laughably bad musical non-talent Bright was all along.
Coworkers say they "never would have guessed" what a laughably bad musical non-talent Bright was all along.

PITTSBURGH—Having established a reputation among the Flagstone Marketing staff as a quiet and reserved temporary worker, Kevin Bright completely shocked his coworkers this week when it was discovered that, outside the office, the mild-mannered 27-year-old is actually an embarrassingly unskilled singer-songwriter.

"I don't think Kevin's said more than five words to me in the month he's been here, so I was really surprised to find out he has this whole pitiful music hobby on the side," said account executive Sandra Hutchinson, 39, who was among several employees that happened by chance to attend one of the soft-spoken and largely forgettable temp's horrendous sets at a local coffee shop Tuesday. "But as it turns out, he's actually quite the shitty performer and plays his own unbearable songs at open mics around the city. Who knew?"

"He never let on he had such a lack of talent," Hutchinson added.

Citing the fact that Bright typically keeps to himself and sits through office meetings without saying a word, those who witnessed his performance this week said they were "totally astonished" when the seemingly introverted worker took the stage and not only sang like garbage, but also played terrible guitar and harmonica as well.

"Kevin's such an unassuming guy, you just wouldn't think to look at him that he'd have a great voice or any stage presence, and you'd be right," said graphic designer Paul McDonough, 34, who acknowledged he was "blown away" upon learning that Bright utterly embarrasses himself at music venues one or two nights a week. "I guess underneath his shy and withdrawn exterior, he's an incompetent entertainer with no musical sensibility whatsoever."


Quiet Temp Actually Very Untalented Singer-Songwriter

"Now it makes complete sense why he kept this from us," McDonough continued. "He really sucks."

Bright's coworkers told reporters they never would have guessed a retiring, seemingly meek personality would be capable of writing original compositions so utterly devoid of the basic elements that constitute a good song, nor that he would, amazingly, prove equally clumsy and inept with cover versions of classic songs by Neil Young and Elliott Smith.

Numerous sources noted they were particularly unimpressed by the shy, inexpressive temp's lyrics, which possessed a stunningly trite quality seldom found even in the very worst of songwriters.

Additionally, company sources said they were astounded to discover that Bright, who tends to avoid social interactions at the office and is said to eat lunch alone in his cubicle each day, has his own web page where visitors are able to stream or download his poorly performed and equally poorly recorded music, putting his pathetically meager artistic abilities out there for the world to reject.

After learning about the previously unseen and insufferable facet of Bright's personality, Flagstone employees said they did not suddenly view him as a more complex individual. Moreover, they all unanimously agreed they had no desire to learn more about what he does outside of work, acknowledging they had even less interest in him now than before.

"Sometimes quiet people have a lot to say when they open up, but Kevin's actually just as empty and bland as we all suspected," said company vice president Ellen Hale, 43, citing Bright's total lack of stage presence as "truly a sight to behold." "Before, I wanted him to come out of his shell, but now I'd rather he continue to keep everything all bottled up inside as he clearly doesn't have anything worthwhile to offer."

Admitting that he initially had a hard time speaking up at work, Bright said he has become more comfortable and open at the office since revealing his hidden and truly god-awful creative side.

"It's great to finally find something that I can talk with everyone else about," said Bright, whose songs are often mockingly sent around the office in staff emails. "It took a while, but I feel like everybody at Flagstone knows who I am now. In fact, a bunch of people in the office have already told me they're coming to my next show."

Numerous Flagstone employees confirmed Bright's statement, saying they "simply have to" see one of the temp's upcoming performances so that they could all laugh at his shitty fucking music in person before his eight-week stint comes to an end.

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