adBlockCheck

Quiet Temp Actually Very Untalented Singer-Songwriter

Top Headlines

Local

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

Mom Has Stacked Dinner Party Roster

GOLDEN, CO—Their eyes widening in amazement as the 43-year-old rattled off the names of heavy hitter after heavy hitter, impressed members of the Dreeshen household confirmed Friday that the roster for their mom’s upcoming dinner party was absolutely stacked.

Bold Intern Giving Parents Tour Of Office

CHICAGO—Brazenly strolling through the rows of desks while pointing out the firm’s various departments to his two guests, Lodestone Media intern Nate Kapper, 19, made the incredibly bold move of giving his parents a tour of the company’s offices Wednesday, sources reported.

Beautiful Spring Day No Match For Last 35 Years Of Man’s Life

LITTLE ROCK, AR—Nullified almost immediately by the collective force of decades’ worth of resentment and disappointment, a bright and beautiful spring day was said to be no match for the past 35 years of local man Thomas Unger’s life, sources confirmed Tuesday.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Lawn and Garden

Quiet Temp Actually Very Untalented Singer-Songwriter

Coworkers say they "never would have guessed" what a laughably bad musical non-talent Bright was all along.
Coworkers say they "never would have guessed" what a laughably bad musical non-talent Bright was all along.

PITTSBURGH—Having established a reputation among the Flagstone Marketing staff as a quiet and reserved temporary worker, Kevin Bright completely shocked his coworkers this week when it was discovered that, outside the office, the mild-mannered 27-year-old is actually an embarrassingly unskilled singer-songwriter.

"I don't think Kevin's said more than five words to me in the month he's been here, so I was really surprised to find out he has this whole pitiful music hobby on the side," said account executive Sandra Hutchinson, 39, who was among several employees that happened by chance to attend one of the soft-spoken and largely forgettable temp's horrendous sets at a local coffee shop Tuesday. "But as it turns out, he's actually quite the shitty performer and plays his own unbearable songs at open mics around the city. Who knew?"

"He never let on he had such a lack of talent," Hutchinson added.

Citing the fact that Bright typically keeps to himself and sits through office meetings without saying a word, those who witnessed his performance this week said they were "totally astonished" when the seemingly introverted worker took the stage and not only sang like garbage, but also played terrible guitar and harmonica as well.

"Kevin's such an unassuming guy, you just wouldn't think to look at him that he'd have a great voice or any stage presence, and you'd be right," said graphic designer Paul McDonough, 34, who acknowledged he was "blown away" upon learning that Bright utterly embarrasses himself at music venues one or two nights a week. "I guess underneath his shy and withdrawn exterior, he's an incompetent entertainer with no musical sensibility whatsoever."


Quiet Temp Actually Very Untalented Singer-Songwriter

"Now it makes complete sense why he kept this from us," McDonough continued. "He really sucks."

Bright's coworkers told reporters they never would have guessed a retiring, seemingly meek personality would be capable of writing original compositions so utterly devoid of the basic elements that constitute a good song, nor that he would, amazingly, prove equally clumsy and inept with cover versions of classic songs by Neil Young and Elliott Smith.

Numerous sources noted they were particularly unimpressed by the shy, inexpressive temp's lyrics, which possessed a stunningly trite quality seldom found even in the very worst of songwriters.

Additionally, company sources said they were astounded to discover that Bright, who tends to avoid social interactions at the office and is said to eat lunch alone in his cubicle each day, has his own web page where visitors are able to stream or download his poorly performed and equally poorly recorded music, putting his pathetically meager artistic abilities out there for the world to reject.

After learning about the previously unseen and insufferable facet of Bright's personality, Flagstone employees said they did not suddenly view him as a more complex individual. Moreover, they all unanimously agreed they had no desire to learn more about what he does outside of work, acknowledging they had even less interest in him now than before.

"Sometimes quiet people have a lot to say when they open up, but Kevin's actually just as empty and bland as we all suspected," said company vice president Ellen Hale, 43, citing Bright's total lack of stage presence as "truly a sight to behold." "Before, I wanted him to come out of his shell, but now I'd rather he continue to keep everything all bottled up inside as he clearly doesn't have anything worthwhile to offer."

Admitting that he initially had a hard time speaking up at work, Bright said he has become more comfortable and open at the office since revealing his hidden and truly god-awful creative side.

"It's great to finally find something that I can talk with everyone else about," said Bright, whose songs are often mockingly sent around the office in staff emails. "It took a while, but I feel like everybody at Flagstone knows who I am now. In fact, a bunch of people in the office have already told me they're coming to my next show."

Numerous Flagstone employees confirmed Bright's statement, saying they "simply have to" see one of the temp's upcoming performances so that they could all laugh at his shitty fucking music in person before his eight-week stint comes to an end.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close