Quiet Temp Actually Very Untalented Singer-Songwriter

Top Headlines

Local

Area Dad Informs Busboy He’s Ready To Order

NASHUA, NH—Raising his arm into the air while leaning outward from the table in a bid to command attention from the other side of the restaurant, area father Walter Bierko called over a busboy at DiCapri’s Italian Eatery to inform him that he was ready to order, sources reported Wednesday.

Winning Argument With Aging Parents Less Satisfying Than It Once Was

CINCINNATI—After firmly telling them that she was okay paying city prices and that she would not move back to her hometown just because it was cheaper, local woman Ellen Wallace, 40, confirmed Thursday that winning an argument with her parents has become much less satisfying as they have gotten older.

Rescuers Heroically Help Beached Garbage Back Into Ocean

ATLANTIC BEACH, NC—In what many described as an inspiring display of selflessness and teamwork, a group of rescuers heroically saved a beached mound of garbage by helping the stranded trash back into the ocean, eyewitnesses reported Thursday.

Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.

Man Pushed Off Plate Of Chicken Wings By Larger Male

WARMINSTER, PA—Looking on as the intense display of aggressive behavior played out over several minutes, sources at Flannigan’s Bar & Grill confirmed Thursday that local man Pete Samuelson was pushed off a plate of buffalo wings by a much larger alpha male.

Grandma Guts It Out Through Lunch On Sunny Patio

MALVERN, PA—Making the audacious decision to dine outdoors with her family despite a noticeable lack of umbrellas or awnings, grandmother Diane McGilvery, 83, reportedly gutted it out through lunch Friday on the sunny patio of a local restaurant.

Parents Formally Announce Transfer Of Expectations To Second Child

GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Explaining that the adjustment made the most practical sense for all parties involved, local parents Beth and Ryan Morgan held a press conference Friday morning to announce the official transfer of expectations from their oldest child, Jeremy, to his younger sibling, Angie.

Motorcyclist Salvaged For Parts

SIOUX FALLS, SD—Following a multiple-vehicle accident on Interstate 90 that temporarily halted traffic in both directions, sources reported Friday that a motorcyclist involved in the crash was hauled off and salvaged for parts.

Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...

Fast Food Drive-Thru Just Cow Carcass, Bucket For Money

VENTURA, CA—Calling it the ultimate combination of freshness, value, and convenience, local fast food chain Sunshine Burger announced that, beginning this week, its regular drive-thru windows would be replaced by a cow carcass and a bucket for money...
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Protection

  • Guards Gun Down Four Angels Escaping From Heaven

    THE HEAVENS—Killing four and critically wounding several others, armed guards dispatched from the Right Hand of God reportedly opened fire early Monday morning on a group of angels attempting to escape from heaven. One of the Eternal Kingdom’s...

Fatherhood

  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.

Quiet Temp Actually Very Untalented Singer-Songwriter

Coworkers say they "never would have guessed" what a laughably bad musical non-talent Bright was all along.
Coworkers say they "never would have guessed" what a laughably bad musical non-talent Bright was all along.

PITTSBURGH—Having established a reputation among the Flagstone Marketing staff as a quiet and reserved temporary worker, Kevin Bright completely shocked his coworkers this week when it was discovered that, outside the office, the mild-mannered 27-year-old is actually an embarrassingly unskilled singer-songwriter.

"I don't think Kevin's said more than five words to me in the month he's been here, so I was really surprised to find out he has this whole pitiful music hobby on the side," said account executive Sandra Hutchinson, 39, who was among several employees that happened by chance to attend one of the soft-spoken and largely forgettable temp's horrendous sets at a local coffee shop Tuesday. "But as it turns out, he's actually quite the shitty performer and plays his own unbearable songs at open mics around the city. Who knew?"

"He never let on he had such a lack of talent," Hutchinson added.

Citing the fact that Bright typically keeps to himself and sits through office meetings without saying a word, those who witnessed his performance this week said they were "totally astonished" when the seemingly introverted worker took the stage and not only sang like garbage, but also played terrible guitar and harmonica as well.

"Kevin's such an unassuming guy, you just wouldn't think to look at him that he'd have a great voice or any stage presence, and you'd be right," said graphic designer Paul McDonough, 34, who acknowledged he was "blown away" upon learning that Bright utterly embarrasses himself at music venues one or two nights a week. "I guess underneath his shy and withdrawn exterior, he's an incompetent entertainer with no musical sensibility whatsoever."


Quiet Temp Actually Very Untalented Singer-Songwriter

"Now it makes complete sense why he kept this from us," McDonough continued. "He really sucks."

Bright's coworkers told reporters they never would have guessed a retiring, seemingly meek personality would be capable of writing original compositions so utterly devoid of the basic elements that constitute a good song, nor that he would, amazingly, prove equally clumsy and inept with cover versions of classic songs by Neil Young and Elliott Smith.

Numerous sources noted they were particularly unimpressed by the shy, inexpressive temp's lyrics, which possessed a stunningly trite quality seldom found even in the very worst of songwriters.

Additionally, company sources said they were astounded to discover that Bright, who tends to avoid social interactions at the office and is said to eat lunch alone in his cubicle each day, has his own web page where visitors are able to stream or download his poorly performed and equally poorly recorded music, putting his pathetically meager artistic abilities out there for the world to reject.

After learning about the previously unseen and insufferable facet of Bright's personality, Flagstone employees said they did not suddenly view him as a more complex individual. Moreover, they all unanimously agreed they had no desire to learn more about what he does outside of work, acknowledging they had even less interest in him now than before.

"Sometimes quiet people have a lot to say when they open up, but Kevin's actually just as empty and bland as we all suspected," said company vice president Ellen Hale, 43, citing Bright's total lack of stage presence as "truly a sight to behold." "Before, I wanted him to come out of his shell, but now I'd rather he continue to keep everything all bottled up inside as he clearly doesn't have anything worthwhile to offer."

Admitting that he initially had a hard time speaking up at work, Bright said he has become more comfortable and open at the office since revealing his hidden and truly god-awful creative side.

"It's great to finally find something that I can talk with everyone else about," said Bright, whose songs are often mockingly sent around the office in staff emails. "It took a while, but I feel like everybody at Flagstone knows who I am now. In fact, a bunch of people in the office have already told me they're coming to my next show."

Numerous Flagstone employees confirmed Bright's statement, saying they "simply have to" see one of the temp's upcoming performances so that they could all laugh at his shitty fucking music in person before his eight-week stint comes to an end.