Quiet Temp Actually Very Untalented Singer-Songwriter

Top Headlines

Local

Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...

Fast Food Drive-Thru Just Cow Carcass, Bucket For Money

VENTURA, CA—Calling it the ultimate combination of freshness, value, and convenience, local fast food chain Sunshine Burger announced that, beginning this week, its regular drive-thru windows would be replaced by a cow carcass and a bucket for money...

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Disgusting Couple Always Interacting In Public

MINNEAPOLIS—Saying the pair was making everyone nearby feel uncomfortable, onlookers stated Wednesday they were disgusted by local couple Tyler Meacham and Caitlyn Ashford’s habit of interacting in public.

Siblings Quietly Relieved Oldest Brother Setting Bar So Low

CHARLOTTE, NC—Explaining how the 25-year-old’s personal and academic shortcomings had made their relationship with their parents far easier, siblings Eric and Theresa Conrad confided to reporters Friday that they were quietly relieved their ol...

Grandson’s Jigsaw Puzzle Strategy Fucking Pathetic

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Calling the 7-year-old’s attempt at fitting together the pieces the most idiotic display he’s witnessed in almost eight decades on earth, local grandfather Harold Randolph told reporters Wednesday that his grandson’s...

Woman Has No Business Being An Extrovert

SAN ANTONIO, TX—Explaining that the character trait does not seem to suit her well, acquaintances of local woman Mary Randolph told reporters Wednesday that the 32-year-old accountant really has no business being an extrovert.

Man Completes Life $130,000 Over Budget

SAN FRANCISCO—Having drastically underestimated the expenses required for such an elaborate production, recently deceased local man Norman Dennison is said to have completed his 84-year life Tuesday approximately $130,000 over budget.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Family

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Food

Quiet Temp Actually Very Untalented Singer-Songwriter

Coworkers say they "never would have guessed" what a laughably bad musical non-talent Bright was all along.
Coworkers say they "never would have guessed" what a laughably bad musical non-talent Bright was all along.

PITTSBURGH—Having established a reputation among the Flagstone Marketing staff as a quiet and reserved temporary worker, Kevin Bright completely shocked his coworkers this week when it was discovered that, outside the office, the mild-mannered 27-year-old is actually an embarrassingly unskilled singer-songwriter.

"I don't think Kevin's said more than five words to me in the month he's been here, so I was really surprised to find out he has this whole pitiful music hobby on the side," said account executive Sandra Hutchinson, 39, who was among several employees that happened by chance to attend one of the soft-spoken and largely forgettable temp's horrendous sets at a local coffee shop Tuesday. "But as it turns out, he's actually quite the shitty performer and plays his own unbearable songs at open mics around the city. Who knew?"

"He never let on he had such a lack of talent," Hutchinson added.

Citing the fact that Bright typically keeps to himself and sits through office meetings without saying a word, those who witnessed his performance this week said they were "totally astonished" when the seemingly introverted worker took the stage and not only sang like garbage, but also played terrible guitar and harmonica as well.

"Kevin's such an unassuming guy, you just wouldn't think to look at him that he'd have a great voice or any stage presence, and you'd be right," said graphic designer Paul McDonough, 34, who acknowledged he was "blown away" upon learning that Bright utterly embarrasses himself at music venues one or two nights a week. "I guess underneath his shy and withdrawn exterior, he's an incompetent entertainer with no musical sensibility whatsoever."


Quiet Temp Actually Very Untalented Singer-Songwriter

"Now it makes complete sense why he kept this from us," McDonough continued. "He really sucks."

Bright's coworkers told reporters they never would have guessed a retiring, seemingly meek personality would be capable of writing original compositions so utterly devoid of the basic elements that constitute a good song, nor that he would, amazingly, prove equally clumsy and inept with cover versions of classic songs by Neil Young and Elliott Smith.

Numerous sources noted they were particularly unimpressed by the shy, inexpressive temp's lyrics, which possessed a stunningly trite quality seldom found even in the very worst of songwriters.

Additionally, company sources said they were astounded to discover that Bright, who tends to avoid social interactions at the office and is said to eat lunch alone in his cubicle each day, has his own web page where visitors are able to stream or download his poorly performed and equally poorly recorded music, putting his pathetically meager artistic abilities out there for the world to reject.

After learning about the previously unseen and insufferable facet of Bright's personality, Flagstone employees said they did not suddenly view him as a more complex individual. Moreover, they all unanimously agreed they had no desire to learn more about what he does outside of work, acknowledging they had even less interest in him now than before.

"Sometimes quiet people have a lot to say when they open up, but Kevin's actually just as empty and bland as we all suspected," said company vice president Ellen Hale, 43, citing Bright's total lack of stage presence as "truly a sight to behold." "Before, I wanted him to come out of his shell, but now I'd rather he continue to keep everything all bottled up inside as he clearly doesn't have anything worthwhile to offer."

Admitting that he initially had a hard time speaking up at work, Bright said he has become more comfortable and open at the office since revealing his hidden and truly god-awful creative side.

"It's great to finally find something that I can talk with everyone else about," said Bright, whose songs are often mockingly sent around the office in staff emails. "It took a while, but I feel like everybody at Flagstone knows who I am now. In fact, a bunch of people in the office have already told me they're coming to my next show."

Numerous Flagstone employees confirmed Bright's statement, saying they "simply have to" see one of the temp's upcoming performances so that they could all laugh at his shitty fucking music in person before his eight-week stint comes to an end.

Next Story