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Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

‘FanSided’ Ranks All 128 NFL Teams

NEW YORK—As part of its comprehensive professional football coverage in anticipation of the upcoming season, sports news site ‘FanSided’ published an article Tuesday ranking all 128 NFL teams.
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QVC Temptation Tour Power Rankings

Ann Folger waged an unsuccessful battle against QVC, caving in and buying a pitcher with fruit infuser. That knocked her clean out of the power rankings for the week, so let's see who usurped her position:

1) Audrey Thomas
Last Week: 1
Undisputed and why would she be? Ever since she smashed her phone last month in a self-hating rage after purchasing a $500 bead decoration set, Audrey has yet to hit up QVC for a new product. Don't think she hasn't thought of knocking on a neighbor's door at 5am to buy another set of beads; she is staying strong.

2) Michelle Levine
Last Week: 4
Always a perennial contender, Michelle limited herself to a tomato planter she didn't need, a six-bottle set of moisturizers and ten shirts that will fit her at her goal weight. Though she rung up $377 dollars in purchases, as she tells herself every day she is "worth it".

3) Penny Hollister
Last Week: 15
Penny is the big climber after going all week without watching a single minute of QVC. The fact that she has been huddled in a corner sobbing over the death of two pet fish is beside the point; a win is a win.

4) Greg Lucas
Last Week: 2
Greg slipped from the podium after buying a coral ring for Becky in accounting. Inappropriate to say the least; she's married, and he's never spoken to her in his life. That's a recipe for Greg sleeping alone once more this evening.

5) Lizzy Sussman
Last Week: 10
Lizzy shooting up the charts thanks to a well-timed diabetic coma. The trick will be to avoid that economy-sized bag of candy apples when she comes to.

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