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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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QVC Temptation Tour Power Rankings

Ann Folger waged an unsuccessful battle against QVC, caving in and buying a pitcher with fruit infuser. That knocked her clean out of the power rankings for the week, so let's see who usurped her position:

1) Audrey Thomas
Last Week: 1
Undisputed and why would she be? Ever since she smashed her phone last month in a self-hating rage after purchasing a $500 bead decoration set, Audrey has yet to hit up QVC for a new product. Don't think she hasn't thought of knocking on a neighbor's door at 5am to buy another set of beads; she is staying strong.

2) Michelle Levine
Last Week: 4
Always a perennial contender, Michelle limited herself to a tomato planter she didn't need, a six-bottle set of moisturizers and ten shirts that will fit her at her goal weight. Though she rung up $377 dollars in purchases, as she tells herself every day she is "worth it".

3) Penny Hollister
Last Week: 15
Penny is the big climber after going all week without watching a single minute of QVC. The fact that she has been huddled in a corner sobbing over the death of two pet fish is beside the point; a win is a win.

4) Greg Lucas
Last Week: 2
Greg slipped from the podium after buying a coral ring for Becky in accounting. Inappropriate to say the least; she's married, and he's never spoken to her in his life. That's a recipe for Greg sleeping alone once more this evening.

5) Lizzy Sussman
Last Week: 10
Lizzy shooting up the charts thanks to a well-timed diabetic coma. The trick will be to avoid that economy-sized bag of candy apples when she comes to.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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