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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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R.A. Has Bad Feeling About Kid In Cloak

COLUMBUS, OH—Saying that he’s “gonna have to keep an eye on that one,” Ohio State University resident assistant Scott Joachim confirmed Wednesday that he is “not getting a good vibe” from the freshman student on his floor who wears a cloak at all times. “It’s hard enough being a freshman in the first weeks of school and trying to find your identity, but on top of all that this kid’s gotta throw a cloak in the mix?” said Joachim of the 18-year old student who is reportedly registered under the name Tim Estrin but, on the rare occasions that he has spoken with hallmates, has introduced himself only as “Damien.” “And he’s not wearing the cloak in a humorous, quirky way, either. He’s clearly dead serious. Everyone in the whole dorm just calls him Cloak Kid.” At press time, a relieved Joachim saw the student entering his room with a young woman who was also wearing a cloak.

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