Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father. “We do love him, but watching over him day in and day out really starts to wear on you, especially since his behavior’s just gotten so erratic,” said the raccoon’s son, explaining that it was exhausting to have someone there around the clock to wipe the froth from his mouth and make sure he doesn’t stray from their home range. “He always ends up lashing out at one of us, and just the other day, he thought one of our kits was a bird and tried to attack her. I get it—he’s 3 years old, and when you reach that advanced age, you start to lose it a little. But I’m not sure how much more of this we can take.” The raccoon went on to say that, while he was a little ashamed to admit it, maybe it would be best if his father wandered onto the highway and got hit by a car.

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