The Onion Introduces: The Book Bjorn

Replete with an astonishing assemblage of facts, illustrations, maps, charts, threats, blood and additional fees to edify even the most simple-minded book-buyer, The Onion Book Of Known Knowledge is packed with valuable information--such as the life stage...

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father. “We do love him, but watching over him day in and day out really starts to wear on you, especially since his behavior’s just gotten so erratic,” said the raccoon’s son, explaining that it was exhausting to have someone there around the clock to wipe the froth from his mouth and make sure he doesn’t stray from their home range. “He always ends up lashing out at one of us, and just the other day, he thought one of our kits was a bird and tried to attack her. I get it—he’s 3 years old, and when you reach that advanced age, you start to lose it a little. But I’m not sure how much more of this we can take.” The raccoon went on to say that, while he was a little ashamed to admit it, maybe it would be best if his father wandered onto the highway and got hit by a car.

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