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Oh Great, Another Woman Who Only Loves Me For My Complete Collection Of ‘Rurouni Kenshin’ Manga

Well isn’t that great—just great. Here I am, thinking I’ve finally met someone who’s perfect for me—she’s caring, smart, beautiful, and most of all, it seemed like she really got me. But I should have known better. Turns out she’s just like the rest of them, just another in a long line of women who only love me for my complete collection of the classic wandering samurai manga Rurouni Kenshin.

Disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings Not Living Up To Ridicule

LOS ANGELES—Describing the experience as a significant letdown, local diner Eric Tidwell told reporters that the disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings franchise he visited Thursday night failed to live up to the scorn he had long heard about the restaurant.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.

‘Our Town’ Cast Party Going Off The Rails

PEEKSKILL, NY—Describing a wild scene in which performers and stagehands were loudly conversing, laughing, and occasionally breaking back into their characters from the play, sources confirmed Sunday night that the cast party for the local production of Our Town is currently going off the rails.

Thieves Make Off With Museum’s Most Valuable Docents

CHICAGO—In what is being described as a sophisticated and well-executed heist, thieves stole nine of the Art Institute of Chicago’s most valuable docents in broad daylight this morning, according to museum and law enforcement officials.
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Racist Figurines March On Washington

WASHINGTON, DC—Calling themselves "insulting caricatures born of bigotry" and "demeaning portrayals bearing no resemblance to actual human beings or cultures," an estimated 400,000 so-called jigaboos, pickaninnies and darky po' boys representing racist statuary from across the U.S. marched on Washington Monday.

Some of the 400,000 racist figurines that came to Washington from lawns and antique stores across the U.S. to protest their own existence.

Decrying their own existence, the figurines demanded that legislators acknowledge them as "the unwanted remnants of a bygone and hateful era" and take immediate steps toward abolishing racially stereotyped imagery like themselves.

"Look at me," Uncle Ben, a desexualized, rice-peddling "Good Slave" archetype, told fellow rallygoers. "I'm nothing like a real person. Look at my coveralls, my smiling, bug-eyed expression of passivity and subjugation. Clearly, I never should have outlasted the antebellum era, yet I'm still a widely recognized pop-cultural icon. I'm so angry I could boil in just five to ten minutes."

Ben and his female counterpart Aunt Jemima, a genial, syrup-filled "Matron Servant" archetype, led the crowd in chanting slogans such as "Jockey No More" and "Hold Your Own Pony!" Jemima encouraged the crowd to resist caricatured representation of African Americans by hurling themselves from shelves and by falling over on lawns and golf courses.

"We came all the way from a kitchen cabinet in Valdosta, GA," said one pair of grinning, apron-wearing salt-and-pepper shakers. "Never again will we add zesty flavor to soups and meals for The Man."

Another protester, a straw-hatted, gap-toothed, barefoot fisherman commonly used as lawn ornamentation in rural areas, was removed by police after damaging a public birdbath. Led away by authorities amidst the cheers of supportive marchers, the statue told reporters he will go on a hunger strike until he and all images like him are smashed into tiny pieces of ceramic debris.

The march began at the Washington Monument and concluded a short distance later at the U.S. Capitol. Featured speakers at the event included not only statuary but other forms of racist iconography as well, including characters from the once-popular children's book Little Black Sambo and several maidservants from Gone With The Wind.

In a moving gesture of solidarity, Hollywood detective hero Charlie Chan and his so-called "hon'able numba' wan son," as well as cartoon mouse Speedy Gonzales, spoke on behalf of other racially and culturally stereotyped media constructs.

Also in attendance at the rally were famed Mark Twain character Nigger Jim and folk-tale trickster Br'er Rabbit, both of whom cautioned protesters about the difficulties posed by archetypes that, on the surface, appear to be racist but may simultaneously function as an anti-racist critique.

Said Jim: "In the hundred-some years since my creation, critical reappraisals have affirmed me as an enduring symbol of Twain's abolitionist sympathies. Yet these same appraisals acknowledge that my exaggerated, overly stereotypical manner of speaking is at least somewhat problematic."

The presence of Br'er Rabbit—a traditional African folk character brought to America by slaves but later distorted by a white journalist in the "Africanist" reductivism of "Uncle Remus"—angered many rallygoers. He was eventually removed by a team of socio-political literary analysts from Howard University.

The controversial rabbit later escaped by convincing his captors to throw him into a briar patch, and his current whereabouts are unknown.

The non-violent march, which D.C. police officials praised as the most orderly and well-run protest in recent memory, ended at sunset with a candlelight vigil and ceremonial bonfire of the march's many wooden participants.

More from this section

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

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